Why Am I Still Single?

“I must not be attractive enough.”

“I’m too fat.”

“If only I were funnier…”

Oh, the thoughts that plague the single person’s mind.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy wallowing in singlehood. I’ve exhausted myself trying to figure out why on earth boys wouldn’t ask me out. How could I have so many boy friends, but none of them wanted to be my boyfriend?

I felt like I had heard it all. “They’re just scared.” “You’re a strong woman, men are intimidated by you.” “He’s probably just shy!” And the classic Christian message: “Jesus is your boyfriend!”

Ok. No thanks.

At least that’s what I thought…

Then one fateful day I came to the horribly wonderful realization that I had been wasting a lot of time. I came to the recognition that my life was in progress at that very moment, and I was spending it crying about a boy I wasn’t even sure existed.

What kind of life was that? Not one I wanted to live, I can tell you that much.

That very day I decided to take the advice of Tim McGraw, as cliché and cheesy as it sounded, and to live like I was dying. To live each day so that at the end of the day I could look back and say “I would change nothing about this day.”

What I found was that being single and having spare time was a gift. This was the time when I could learn about who I was and how I wanted to live my life. It was great—for a while. But I very quickly discovered that who I was and what I wanted were things I couldn’t actually discover on my own. I, myself, didn’t have all the answers.

I soon found that while I thought I knew what I wanted, I really didn’t know at all. I’d date guys who seemed to have everything I liked on paper, but then we’d break-up. I thought it was them. Then I realized… it was me.

I had arrived at a very frustrating point in my life. I had no idea what I wanted. And I had no idea how to figure it out.

So I turned to the only person I’d ever been told knew more about me than I knew about myself: Jesus.

And oh man, I did not want to go to him. I was so fearful of what I thought he was going to tell me: “He’s going to tell me I’m single because I have to be a nun!”

But I had nowhere else to go. So I begrudgingly began talking to the Lord. I asked him questions about myself, about my life, about the things that had happened. I complained to him. I told him my fears, my worries, my frustrations. I told him I was mad at him for leaving me single, and I asked him why. And then… I listened.

Over time, what I found was that the Lord had given me this time to be single for a very particular reason: he had given it to me so that I could get to know him.

He had given me this time to be single so that I could learn about who he is, and who I truly am in his eyes. He showed me that I am pretty enough, that I am perfect as I am, that he designed me with certain desires in my heart that only he could fulfill, and that he loves me.

It was truly amazing. But it took a long time. Like, a super long time—it took years. In fact, I am still learning who Christ is, what it is he is asking of me, and what types of things I want and need in my life.

So why are you still single?

I can’t tell you.

But Christ can.

He has plans for you. Big ones. This time of being single is a time when he wants to prepare and help you discover those plans. It’s a time he wants you to spend getting to know him. My very best advice is to take it. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

_____________________

ashAshley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

 

33 Comments

  1. Thatnk you for this! I have tried and tried to speak to my beautiful daughters about this and of course being their Mom, they didn’t want to hear me! I laughed when you wrote “Jesus is your boyfriend” because I have said this! Along with saying that, when they were in school I told them their books were their friends” the laughed about it but I know they felt like you! Thank you for sharing! The reaffirmation will surely make them think and pray and talk with Jesus!

    By margaret | 3 years ago Reply
  2. Beautiful post. Thank you for your insight!

    By Andrew Vu | 3 years ago Reply
  3. Ashley, I absolutely loved this article! I can totally relate to your thoughts about singleness before turning to the Lord and after turning to the Lord. He is good, and His plan for us is beautiful.

    By Jenny | 3 years ago Reply
  4. NAILED IT. Thank you so much for this perfectly timed insight! Sincerely, from another ‘single and searching’, career-and-then-I-don’t-know-what, lady. 🙂

    PS – I’ve been looking at the MTh @ Franciscan, I’ll have to scope it out when I’m up there for the Defending the Faith conference July 25-27!

    By Angelsea | 3 years ago Reply
  5. I have been really down in the dumps the past few months and really this article is exactly what I needed to read! It was perfect timing. I’ve been especially down about it this week and really, I feel that it was a “God-incidence” that I’m reading this today.
    I really related to the part about being “afraid” to go to Jesus, because I always think the same fear that he could tell me to be a nun (which wouldn’t be bad at all if that’s what he wanted… but ya know what I mean!)

    Thank you so much for this!

    Kristina

    By kristina | 3 years ago Reply
  6. Thank you for these sweet words.. I believe in what you said, but sometimes I just get anxious and fall into despair 🙁

    By Célia | 3 years ago Reply
  7. I just recently ended a relationship after being together with him for three weeks. Initially I struggled as this was my first relationship and before this I met only men whom I liked but they treated me as a friend. The guy is a good man but he didn’t get it when I need my me-time with God and with friends, completely trying to control how I live my life. I totally agree with u that the most important relationship one should h

    By Cindy Chan | 3 years ago Reply
  8. (Continue…) the most important relationship one should have is with Jesus. He will lead You to the right person in His time and He will show you the right one to be with. Don’t rush into a relationship like I did. It wasn’t pleasant to have to meet the priest-friend of ours to have a lengthy conversation so that he could accept that we should take a step back to just be friends. Take time to know the person before u want to consider him as a potential partner. Not even when he pulled out a book on Christian courtship and proposed that u both should go through a proper courtship. My experience is priceless to me. Hope it helps u guys too. Wait for the him whom He approves.

    By Cindy Chan | 3 years ago Reply
  9. thank you for allowing me to see someone’s view on the other side. I guess it has always been easy to keep one foot towards Christ and another towards insecurities. However hearing it from someone that decided to walk towards Christ is empowering!

    By Jennifer | 3 years ago Reply
  10. Excellent article.

    By Stephanie | 3 years ago Reply
  11. Excellent. Thank you for sharing.

    By Rick | 3 years ago Reply
  12. 36 and single but committed to God. Next year I may profess my vows for the first time as a Lay Missionary of Charity and I really don’t regret hearing more my Love than my obsession.

    By Cecilia | 3 years ago Reply
  13. This article came at a perfect time because today I realized that being a single lady is also beautiful because it means that whoever we will date will be special. After all, I’m not just going to date any guy. And seeing this article after thinking that brought me even more hope and drive for more patience, so thank you!

    By Monica | 3 years ago Reply
  14. That was awesome Ashley, there have been times in my life that the only person I could turn to was god and although he didn’t always give me the answers I wanted to hear…they were the answers I needed most…you are a wonderful, beautiful person and someday you will find that right person that will sweep you off your feet when you least expect it…but do not settle for anything less than the best…this is your life, own it…good luck and god bless

    By Stephanie Suppa | 3 years ago Reply
  15. Thanks for sharing this beautiful reflection. I’ve just recently finished discerning and realized how many good things there are about being single- especially the chance to grow closer to God through this time. While I eagerly anticipate the day when my future husband (who I pray for, wherever he may be) and I will enter into a marriage covenant with God, being able to have this time where it’s really just my relationship with God, not mine and my husband’s, is a blessing. And a chance to offer any of the current struggle for my future spouse and our family.

    By Susan | 3 years ago Reply
  16. Couldn’t be better timing for me! Great article! Let’s wait and hope that the best for us is just ahead, just what God is designing for us.

    By Ana | 3 years ago Reply
  17. Im from Ecuador in south america, I always try to read this kind of articles, because its helps me… thanks for sharing it…

    By Carli | 3 years ago Reply
  18. I saw this article by chance and may be God wants us (or me) to be more patient (or learn to be patient, grow in patience)

    Reading the main article and the comments made me realize it is worth the wait for the right one. Hopefully in time I should find her. Definitely believe (for God nothing is impossible and anything is possible)

    God bless you all and God be with you always

    By Emmanuel Fernando | 3 years ago Reply
  19. beautiful 🙂

    By Amitha | 3 years ago Reply
  20. Thank you so much for this article, Ashley! I have been struggling with my single vocation for a while and I have also slowly come to realize that this is the time God has given me to come to know Him. =)

    By Sarah | 3 years ago Reply
  21. thanx a lot …..this is what i needed to hear in my life 😀

    By shireen | 3 years ago Reply
  22. THIS IS A VERY GREAT WRITE- UP, MAY WE CONTINUE TO LEARN ON COMMUNICATING WITH OUR LORD DAILY. YES HE IS OUR FRIEND , AS YOU VISIT YOUR FRIENDS ALSO MAKE A VISIT TO ”HIM” IN THE BLESSED SACRAMENT AND JIST WITH HIM. I DONT MISS IT. JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONLY BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST LOVER OF MY LIFE. THANKS FOR THIS ASHLEY!!!!

    By PRINCESS JOY | 3 years ago Reply
  23. Thank you! This is so timely. And I believe this answers the prayers in my heart. This is my time to spend with Jesus. 🙂

    By Petra | 3 years ago Reply
  24. Great post! I’m still younger than marrying age, so I’m not worrying about dating yet 🙂 But I do feel weird about having crushes on my guy friends sometimes. I guess that just normal, right?

    By E | 3 years ago Reply
  25. Ah, this is good. I feel much the same way. But over the last year I’ve worked so hard in getting to know Jesus. My prayer and spiritual life is so much more beautiful and deep than I thought possible. Since coming to college I’ve had amazing opportunities to grow in that, and I feel like I’ve broken down a wall between me and Jesus and am trusting him so much more. But I’m still single. I struggle SO much with this. *sigh* I seriously thought about the nun dilemma, but I feel so at peace and confident in knowing I’m not called to that life. What do I do?

    By Laura | 3 years ago Reply
  26. beautiful post.. Is it a normal thing for a woman to feel like, having those crushes on someone? 🙂 but it feels so hurt when the feedback from a guy is like ‘not sure’ and no respond. sometimes I do feel the ‘hurt’ cos the fact I’m still single and when I feel hurt, I turned to God and keep asking Him. but I feel so scared when some of my friends mention about the Nun thing to me. 😀

    By marykate | 3 years ago Reply
  27. Great..continue writing God’s message

    By Michael | 3 years ago Reply
  28. Not the case-I’ve prayed to have Christ tell me the reason why for the past 4 months-nothing. Zilch, nada.

    By Jupie | 3 years ago Reply
  29. Thank you so much for this! It really resonated with me, and I’m definitely still in the afraid to give myself to God phase, despite being a devout Catholic.

    By Amanda | 3 years ago Reply
  30. Very Beautiful Article, Miss Ackerman!!!

    By Nick Spinelli | 3 years ago Reply
  31. Thank you for the article because it is wonderful and I am single and relate to what you said about being single and waiting for the right one. I will continue to pray to the Lord for help and guidance.

    By Janice J. Camire | 3 years ago Reply
  32. Thank you so much for these encouraging words! I was in a relationship some time ago and am trying to move on… being single is difficult… bit it also helps you to find yourself… and most of all to find yourself through God!

    By Rebecca | 3 years ago Reply
  33. It is just too very bad that the women of today aren’t like the old days which it definitely would’ve made a very big difference since they’re very different today from back then since most of them were real very old fashioned at that time. Very difficult for many of us good men trying to meet a good old fashioned woman these days.

    By Truth Of All | 3 years ago Reply

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