Four keys to finding love (for women)

A little over a year ago, my wife and I gave birth to our third child—our first baby girl. While I love each of my children in their own unique way, I will say that having a daughter does something to you as a father. You worry more about your daughter. You feel an increased desire to begin collecting guns and other assorted weapons. Even more so, I have noticed that life lessons are different for boys and girls. The lessons that I want to teach my sons are very different than the lessons that I hope my daughter will one day understand.

My daughter is too young to read, but these are a few lessons I hope to communicate to her as she grows up.

There are boys who will “love” you for your body and there are boys who will love you for who you are.

Not every boy has the best of intentions. There are some boys who will only express interest in you because of what you can do for them. There are others who will love you for the person that you are and will respect your body. Boys will sometimes lie to get what they want—you cannot distinguish between a boy’s intentions based on his words alone. His actions will tell you his character.

It is OK to desire to be led by a man.

The world will tell you that femininity means you are strong and independent and that you don’t need anyone to lead you. This is a not entirely true. Jesus extended the invitation to each one of his disciples to, “Come, follow me.” We all need to be led, especially when we hit the rough patches in our lives. The greatest strength and freedom that you will ever find is in being in relationship with Jesus Christ. The same principle can be applied to a relationship. A man leads you to a deeper relationship with Christ is a man that is worth following.

Being single is something to be cherished and valued, not wished away.

Too many days of a young woman’s life can be wished away by waiting for Prince Charming. The reality is, the time in your life that you are single is a short period of time in your life. This time is very valuable for you to learn about yourself, to grow as an individual and to enjoy certain freedoms that you will never be able to have once you are married and a mother. Cherish this time in your life and don’t worry about waiting for Mr. Right. Love will find you in its own time.

A relationship with God is more important than anything a boy could ever give you.

This life is only a blink of an eye in comparison to the time spent with Christ in eternity. The goal of this life and every vocation in this life is growing in intimacy with God. Marriage—when lived according to God’s plan—witnesses and elevates intimacy with God. A boy should never replace intimacy with God with intimacy with himself. A relationship with a boy that is properly ordered should always elevate your intimacy with God. Boyfriends—at least the kind that are worth marrying—should seek to enhance your relationship with God, not pull you away from Him.

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Everett Fritz - headshot3Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/

33 Comments

  1. Thank you for putting this up today I was feeling very down about my relationship currently. My dad died 3 years ago and it was when I first started dating; I had no idea how to look at guys. I have learned some things over the years and I found someone who respects the person that I am and wish to become. We are very far apart right now and its very difficult not to wonder why I am doing this to the both of us; then I am reminded that we both decided to put our trust in one another and our father that we will be brought together. Thank you for saving my mind from wandering to far off the path God has lead me towards, I believe my dad is speaking to the man himself to make sure I don’t stray.

    By Hannah | 2 years ago Reply
    • Dear Hannah, I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through! I will pray that you find the ways to help you. One book that is really good and might help you a lot, it helped me very much too, is ‘i kissed dating goodbye’ by Joshua Harris.

      By marthe | 2 years ago Reply
    • Very nice, how can I convince my husband that he is very important in our daughters lives.

      By Marivel cobian | 2 years ago Reply
      • With 2 daughters (20 & 28 ) I thank God that a mam loved me enough to ask me 25 years ago ; “do I have a personal relationship with God?” That led me to a Daily Appointment with God which has opened my heart, mind , soul and body to the incredible love God has for me. In that love, I can’t help but love my daughters, my wife.
        I repeat often, “dwell in a God’s love” .
        God’s love is the source of righteousness. It is why I can love. This I will pray for, for your husband , for your family, because God love me .

        By James Hannan | 2 years ago Reply
  2. Thank you so so much. I just really needed this today.

    By Jayme | 2 years ago Reply
  3. I disagree with everything about this article. Too many guys just like my mind and personality in the church. Marriage is also about physical intimacy and growing together as a couple, not just God and liking someone for who they are inside. If a guy doesn’t move fast enough it means he might think you have a nice personality but an ugly body, or so I’ve found.

    By Missy | 2 years ago Reply
    • May I just say one thing? I know you may feel like any guys interested in you only like your personality and not your body, but if he truly believes in the church’s teachings of abstinence then he wouldn’t be going quickly anywhere into the sexual side of a relationship.
      Also. If they truly love you, they will find you truly beautiful. (As well as sexually attractive)

      By Daemon | 2 years ago Reply
    • Missie, sounds to me like you are looking at the wrong boys. If things don’t move “fast enough” with a respectful loving boy, it shows real love and self control, not that he thinks you are ugly. Alternatively he may not be Gods chosen man for you in which case its time to walk away. Please lift up these thoughts in prayer to allow our loving Father to reveal the truth to you.

      By Cara | 2 years ago Reply
  4. Thank You! I sometimes long for a boyfriend even though I don’t need one because I’m young (17) but sometimes I feel an emptiness. Yes I know God loves me and so does my family and friends. But I guess I just really really have to put it all in the hands of God and trust him.
    Thank you again!

    By Alexandra | 2 years ago Reply
  5. Thank u for the encouragement God comes 1st then He (God) will send exactly what I need while in the meantime I too prepare for that special man God is preparing for me. 🙂 Self love and value and patients are key to personal success.

    By Jennie Aurora | 2 years ago Reply
  6. Thanks for the advice…. and FYI… I believe it can be applied to someone who’s been single a VERY long time. I still don’t WANT to be single; but, this will help ease my pain. I am 46 and had been married long ago; but, I do admit … I do still long for God to send me my ultimate Catholic man! 🙂

    By Denise | 2 years ago Reply
  7. I totally and completely agree. This article is a blessing in itself. TRUE. SO TRUE. Thank you so much. Through this article, you have inspired me as an 18 year old girl going into college

    By Milana del Rio | 2 years ago Reply
  8. Thanks for this article. I do have a question about wanting to be led by a man. I have never much felt like I want/desire a man to lead me. I desire a man to encourage me to grow closer to God, and to be holy, and I desire to do that for my future husband. Is being led necessary?

    By Erin | 2 years ago Reply
    • I think that IS being led.

      By GiannaT | 2 years ago Reply
  9. Wonderful article. I’m happily married for two years now and hadn’t dated anyone till I was eighteen! I learnt so much about myself before I began dating, and then love found me 😀

    By crys | 2 years ago Reply
  10. Hello Missy,

    I am sorry for the hurt you have experienced from guys. Please see yourself more than a body to experience physical pleasure. Cherish the total you. Believe me, there are way more guys who want ONLY your body, not your personality or your mind. Opening your life to them is easy, it will be much harder to shut it to them. Find people who really enjoy all of you!

    By Tim | 2 years ago Reply
  11. Wonderful! 🙂 thanks from Italy!

    By Ross | 2 years ago Reply
  12. Singleness may be a short period of time, but be sure to prepare your daughter for the long run as well. I always thought I would be swept off my feet as a young twenty something. Well, the years have rolled by and still Prince Charming isn’t in sight. Make sure she has a fall-back plan in case she will need to spend the rest of her life by herself.

    By Jean | 2 years ago Reply
  13. While I agree with the points presented, the only one I find issue with is being led by a man. A relationship is a partnership and at times each of us must lead and not always follow. Just as we must follow and now always lead.

    Life is not about waiting for a leader but that together you are on the journey with God being your compass.

    By Judy | 2 years ago Reply
  14. I agree with this 100% Without God in any relationship there is a missing link. God should and always be 1st.Missy yes their is something in outside beauty but if any man cares about you they need to look at the whole person. What draws me to a woman is how that woman brings me closer to Christ. I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman and yes she is beautiful but she also brings me closer to Christ we say the rosary together we go to mass together we pray together and for each other. I fell in love with her because of both but the main reason is because she makes me a better man through bringing me closer to Christ.

    By Steven | 2 years ago Reply
  15. This is amazing and I hope it reaches every girl sooner than later 🙂

    By Kimberly | 2 years ago Reply
  16. Uh, I think only the WIFE gave birth? You just maybe were by her side watching HER birth a child, but you in fact did NOT push a baby out of anywhere.

    By Olivia | 2 years ago Reply
  17. I loved reading this. Thank you for posting – would you rewrite it for boys in mind too? There are many faithful boys like mine who long for a girlfriend and in today’s world, there are many girls who are not very nice…..

    By Anna | 2 years ago Reply
  18. This article infuriates me. “Keys For Finding Love (for Women)”…written by a man. I’m sure he definitely understands the depth and complexities of a woman’s heart. This is another example of how chauvinistic this Church can still come across as. We all know a man can never satisfy us the way Christ does. But how about we let women speak for ourselves about finding intimacy with God.

    By Amy | 2 years ago Reply
    • Then please speak. Don’t let it infuriate you unless you’re willing to do the very thing you’re asking for. This article isn’t explaining a woman’s feelings or desires, it’s purpose is simply to remind us women what we should be looking for in a man. Why wouldn’t a man know how to recognize a faithfull man?

      By Lucy | 2 years ago Reply
    • The original title for the blog was, “4 Things I hope my daughter will one day understand.” The title was changed with my permission because the Chastity Project team felt it had a wider appeal for readership. I apologize if I offended you with my article.

      By Everett | 2 years ago Reply
      • Everett, I think this article would have been much better off if your original title had stood as was. I am a chastity and TOB speaker and writer in Nothern Virginia. While I agree whole-heartedly with the concepts in your article, I think the Chastity Project team was ill-founded in their renaming of it. In my experience, many well-intentioned men in the Catholic Church speak out so much about how women should act and think when it comes to love and their sexualities. I just don’t think it is their place to do so. A woman’s heart was made distinctly and differently than a man’s. Our emotions, thoughts, and complexities are so set apart, and for good reason. To me, it just sounds a bit arrogant for a man to be writing about how to women should find love when you can’t possibly understand the depths and intricacies of a woman’s heart.

        By Amy | 2 years ago Reply
  19. Great post!

    By Brenda | 2 years ago Reply
  20. Thank you!

    By Bruna | 2 years ago Reply
  21. I wish someone would have told me this 10 years ago so I wouldn’t have had to learn the truth of it the hard way.
    Thank you for posting this!

    By Ioana | 2 years ago Reply
  22. Thank you for writing this. God seems to have extended my life as a single person. I had been guilty of wishing away my singleness. I have also wasted a lot of my time waiting for Prince Charming. I have read and re-read your article and now I celebrate my life as a single person–having God as the center of my life–having faith in His promises.

    By Trophie | 2 years ago Reply
  23. I was wishing that i should have read this a long time ago for me not to be in this kind of situation right now. But I know that God has a purpose for everything. And I’m holding on to His promises. Thanks for the article. It helped me a lot. 🙂

    By lala | 2 years ago Reply
  24. Thanks a lot for this. I am 21 and single as of now. 2 years ago, my ex boyfriend (my only ex boyfriend so far) and I broke up because he felt the calling for priesthood. I was shattered because he is exactly the “good boy” you talked about above haha. But I trust in God and His plans. Now Im very happy for him because he just entered the seminary. Of course right now sometimes I feel lonely and i kinda want to have a boyfriend. A priest told me to seek a guy that will seek God first. But right now im forgetting this so what you said was really helpful. It told me to not rush. A boy may tell me he loves me but his actions my tell otherwise. And it really is a challenge to see real love. Coz sometimes its easier to just settle for whats there. God bless you and your family!

    By Ericka | 2 years ago Reply

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