Why I don’t date men who are ‘willing’ to save sex for marriage.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” I said to a man on his couch in a Tampa apartment. He—then in his late 20′s and interested in me—nodded, and waited for me to say it. I, then in my early 20′s, breathed in before I did: “I’m saving sex for marriage.”

I breathed out while he silently processed what I had said. Then he turned his face toward mine and spoke: “If you want to wait, I’m willing.” But waiting had never been part of his world. He agreed to abstain from sex with me because he knew that if he didn’t, I wouldn’t date him. He agreed to behave as if he practiced chastity, but was only bound to nonmarital abstinence by my prohibition of nonmarital sex.

He respected my boundary, until he didn’t—until he mocked my decision to save sex and chalked it up to “immaturity,” in effort to manipulate me into changing my mind. He said “no guy will wait that long,” and begged me to break my promise to practice chastity. Instead, I broke up with him. I learned a lot in that relationship, including this:

I’d never date a guy again who was only “willing” to save sex. Here’s why:

Because I don’t want a man who acts chastely; I want a man who is chaste. 

We who practice chastity have apprenticeships in self-mastery. We promise to govern our appetites instead of being governed by them. A man who is “willing” to save sex in order to date me isn’t a man who governs his appetites. He’s a man who makes chaste girlfriends do that for him. If I date him, I govern two sets of appetites, which makes me an enabler: he doesn’t have to practice self-mastery if I master him.

Because a man who doesn’t practice chastity doesn’t define sex the same way I do. 

We who practice chastity believe sex is a sacred, physical sign of the the commitment spouses made to each other on the altar where they were married, ultimately designed to bond them and to make babies. A man who is “willing” to save sex—but would have nonmarital sex if he had my permission—does not by default define sex the way I do. How can we be united by sex in marriage if we can’t agree on the purpose sex serves?

Because a man who would forsake virtue (his or mine) if only I gave him permission is a man whose standards are too low. 

A man who is “willing” to save sex is a man whose choice to abstain from nonmarital sex likely isn’t underlain by much other than the absence of my consent. He’d be as content—or more—dating a woman who doesn’t practice chastity. But I don’t want to marry a man who settled for a chaste woman. I want a man who wants a chaste woman, who holds a high bar for me because he wants me to become the woman God designed me to be.

Because men are capable of more than the world around them says they are. 

“No guy will wait that long” is a lie, and boys who are taught that turn into men who believe it. But I hold up a higher bar than that for men because I think my future kids deserve a dad who can reach one, because I believe men can reach one, because I believe God created them able to do it.

[Click HERE to read part two of this blog.]

________________________________

arleen fall 2013Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

 

115 Comments

  1. Surprised there are no comments. While I support your thought process 100%, the sad truth is that most young men have to be taught to want chastity for themselves. They’ve been brought up in a culture that doesn’t even get the concept. I know some pretty awesome young men who were in the grips of porn before they knew what hit them and they struggle every day to remain pure now. Even in much Christian writing about the marital embrace, there’s a subtle thread of containing oneself until marriage. Yes, TOB Theology of the Body, helps immensely, but this struggle with concupiscence is a complicated walk and maybe a cross for some women is helping a man carry his cross. Of course, through the graces of the sacraments and his relationship with God. Just saying…

    By Mary Jo | 2 years ago Reply
    • I completely agree..it’s so difficult for guys, even the ones striving for holiness. My boyfriend practices chastity but he has his struggles that he is working through (as am I) and when he was honest with me about them I knew I had a choice to make. I could either say “sorry you aren’t perfect enough for me..see ya!” or love him despite weakness…love him the way Christ calls us to love. I’m thankful to have chosen the latter 🙂

      By Danielle | 2 years ago Reply
      • “When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

        ― Fulton J. Sheen

        You made the right choice, Danielle. Men are driven by their God-given hormones and neurological triggers to seek-out women. The gentle romanticism of the last two centuries is a luxury not afforded by human nature, but rather one sustained by human will for a more orderly world.

        At some point, our man-made society is tried by our God-given nature. We all have temptations, but your honor must inspire him to be honorable — you must inspire each other!

        PAX et BONUM!

        By David Webb | 2 years ago Reply
        • “When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

          Sheen’s quote is all the more reason why this attitude towards “willing” men may be misguided. Men do not only differ from women in terms of plumbing, but also in the nature of their impulses. Maybe you, Arleen, are the one who would compel a man to discover that, yes, finally, here is one worth waiting for. It is an opportunity for conversion, and for aiding his discovery (with very little effort on your part for the very man that Sheen describes as “worthy”). Don’t give that man a chance, and your own wait could be longer than need be.

          By David L Alexander | 2 years ago Reply
        • Just a side note here..my boyfriend and I have begun to read Sheen’s book Three To Get Married 🙂 Please keep us in your prayers!

          By Danielle | 2 years ago Reply
        • I love your reply David! 😀 I have yet to find a guy who really wants to be chaste and not just “willing” to save himself in order to date me…I completely agree with your quote 🙂 I love Fulton J. Sheen!

          By Diana | 2 years ago Reply
          • I wanted to continue my previous post with this thought: I find it very refreshing to read comments to this article by guys who completely support the idea of chastity to the point of even finding it inspiring and honorable! 😀

            By Diana | 2 years ago
      • I agree in most part with you, Danielle. I mean this in no way as judgment, but to make a choice to “love him despite weakness,” assuming that you mean that you engaged in the act rather than abstain only adds to the weakness.

        If he is talking about his struggles to express his frustration, and you are compassionate and empathic with regards then that’s great. If he is persuading you to help relieve his frustrations, and you oblige, against your original convictions then this serves to indulge in breaking the personal vows you chose for yourself, “I believe this is the best and most proper way… unless our urges are too strong to resist.” Wasn’t the apple “too good to resist?” The greatest rewards are always the ones hardest fought for.

        Again, I don’t say this in any way to pass judgment. I believe that you will get out whatever you put in. If you did change your position and therefore your behavior then who will be the anchor in the relationship through more trying times? Will you be so easily persuaded to pursue the avenue of “low-hanging fruit” through those trials, assuming that perhaps the path bearing less fruit in those future struggles may be the more appropriate one?

        When a boy is close to a girl, those natural urges are far compounded. They are brutal to deal with and impossible to reason with. That’s why he must choose an appropriate, if different course to approach the relationship to maintain that sense of control. The difference between a boy and a man? The boy will submit to those urges and convince… A man will never forget the greater purpose, if he has chosen one. And that is what makes a man: He has chosen one.

        By Erik | 2 years ago Reply
        • Hi! Thank you all for your encouragement! Sorry if my comment was misinterpreted. My boyfriends by no means caused me to compromise my morals-if anything, his love for me reflects God’s love for me more vividly than any other relationship I’ve ever experienced. We both do struggle with masturbation so that’s what I was referring to by “weakness”. I’m thankful that, as two 27 year old adults, we are able to be honest and open about our brokenness and encourage each other to keep fighting 🙂

          By Danielle | 2 years ago Reply
      • Danielle:

        It’s worth clarifying that when I write about “people who practice chastity,” I don’t mean “people who are perfect at chastity.” I believe there’s a big difference between a man who isn’t chaste and doesn’t want to be and a man who struggles to be chaste but wants to be.

        By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
        • Hi Arleen!
          Thanks so much for clarifying! 🙂 yes I def know (thankfully!) that there is a difference and I know God is blessing our comittment to chastity ..if you could pray for us I would deeply appreciate it!

          By Danielle | 2 years ago Reply
          • You got ’em, Danielle!

            By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago
      • It hurts to see these posts and hear other Catholics advise NOT to date someone who’s just willing. Not to date someone who loves you so much that they’re willing to do sacrifice and do something they don’t want to do. Not to date someone who can’t live without you do they’re doing that. That’s at least how it is for me. We are happily engaged and it hurts to hear that, it’s a slap in the face to my relationship which I KNOW is a good Catholic relationship.

        By Katelyn | 2 years ago Reply
        • Wrong post, thought this was to the post itself, not the comment

          By Katelyn | 2 years ago Reply
    • I agree. It’s a little too black and white. I also think the statement “Because men are capable of more than the world around them says they are” can be used against the main gist of the article. Yes, they are more capable, so if you really liked someone and they haven’t fully grasped the understanding of chastity yet, why not take this opportunity to be that witness to them? I do NOT mean flirting to convert, but if there is real mutual fondness for one another, then give the guy a chance. A woman’s virtuous witness is a powerful thing. I know many stories of men who have been ‘just willing’ at the start, only to have a full conversion in the process of their relationship.

      It also treats chastity like it’s a virtue you either fully in possession of or you don’t have it at all. But how many good Catholics still struggle with one aspect or another? If the man is willing to wait, it’s a start. It says something that he didn’t just walk away. Chastity, like every other virtue, is one that we continue to get better at, gradually seeing flaws in ourselves that we didn’t notice before, for the rest of our lives.

      And there is a great quote in one of Dietrich von Hildebrand’s books, either the one on marriage or purity, that talks about a man who thinks he’s pure and chaste, does all the right outward pious things and even claims it’s for the right reasons, but internally it is just a matter of pride. I’m going to find it and post it here later. A chaste Catholic woman would think she had gotten a great catch, but it’s not anymore chastity than the man who it ‘just willing’ to wait. So, like I said at the start, it’s not all black and white.

      By Catherine | 2 years ago Reply
      • Agree too black and white

        By Marco | 2 years ago Reply
      • Exactly! My husband was “willing” to wait at first, and was mocked by his friends, but he knew that there was something fundamentally different about me and about our relationship. It wasn’t long before we were waiting together, truly together.

        By Anne | 2 years ago Reply
      • Excellent comment, Catherine!! Agree! We can’t think higher of ourselves because we have had the privilege to receive an education on the beauty of sex! I’ve gotten to know such wonderful men that have had a “past” and though willing at the beginning, have come to see te beauty during the course of their relationships. I think the title is misleading. The guy pointed out in the article is not “willing”… He just said that. Two different things. I practice chastity but I have come to see that making an idol of purity has distanced me from others and from compassion. A lot of people choose a lifestyle because of their brokenness, their hurt… Though morality is wrong and right, there is a whole specter between: a person.

        By Mary | 2 years ago Reply
    • I mean getting mad and furious about a man craving sex is ridiculous. Christian men want to have sex with the ones they love. It’s that simple. It’s the reason so many Christian couples date very short months and lie to themselves saying, “I met the one,” and get married JUST to have sex. I mean to get technical you’re only suppose to have sex to reproduce. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman having an abortion and a married man “pulling out” or wearing a condom because they don’t want to have a child. BOTH prevent LIFE from happening. We’ve watered down “sexual sin” so it’s not TOO hard on us. So yeah, don’t see your ex as some terrible “Christian” man because he wanted to have sex with you before marriage. He loved you. I just hope you didn’t settle for some corny Christian man who shows you attention and respects your “purity.” Your ex may not have respected your purity, but I bet he respected all your flaws and was there for you.

      By Vincent | 2 years ago Reply
  2. Then on the opposite side of the spectrum are the few men who are not just willing to save sex until marriage but who ARE saving sex until marriage and expect the same in the woman they marry, guys who not only practice chastity but who demonstrate it every day of their lives. I believe God’s plan for marriage is a virgin marrying a virgin. Anything other than that does not accurately reflect Christ’s marriage to the church and lessens the chance of it lasting a lifetime. Our society has set the bar so low for men that it has become the expectation – and men who live above the bar go unnoticed. Excellent Arleen. Don’t settle for the willing. Require the guy to be waiting as well.

    By John H. Morgan III | 2 years ago Reply
    • Well said John. Although I disagree with “Anything other than that does not accurately reflect Christ’s marriage to the church”. As a church body we are very adulterated and impure. Read Hosea. Yes a virgin marrying a virgin is best, but there is also room for redemption and forgiveness. As a virgin myself, the Lord has shown me how I have been self-righteous about my purity. He’s been teaching me to leave room for grace, forgiveness, and redemption.

      By Christianna | 2 years ago Reply
    • I like the idea of a “born-again virgin” or “second virginity.” Virginity is super important, don’t get me wrong, but I know a lot of Christian girls and guys who have slipped up. Even if they were pressured into it by someone threatening to break up with them, had the “no guy will wait that long” line used on them, or were sexually assaulted, they’ve lost something they can never get back.
      Chastity is hard. I think living chastely is far more important than being a virgin. I know virgins who go as far as they want with someone, as long as they don’t physically have intercourse, and I know really religious, chaste people who make mistakes earlier in their life. Thank goodness for God’s mercy.

      By Kevin | 2 years ago Reply
    • John, I absolutely love your comment to this post. I believe it is so important for men to show that chastity and virtue apply just the same to them as they do to women. There are so many amazing virtuous men out there and I love to see their voices being heard!

      By Jessica | 2 years ago Reply
    • So if a guy or girl were to have fallen in the past but have since experienced conversion, they’re out of luck? Sorry, but God’s plan is one of mercy and conversion, not a societally branded state of “virgin” or “not virgin”. While it may be ideal for two virgins to come together, and it’s okay to hold that personal preference, to claim generally the rejecting of an entire human soul solely because of such past mistakes is prideful and condescendingly self-righteous. Chastity has to do with your current state of mind and soul, not the past.

      By Michael | 2 years ago Reply
    • Correction: God’s plan for marriage is a chaste person marrying a chaste person. You can be virgin without being chaste and chaste without being virgin. Chastity is not about your past but who you are now and how you love now. God doesn’t care about your past ‘Behold I make all things new’

      By Alice | 2 years ago Reply
    • Don’t be ignorant saying 2 virgins do not accurately depict Christ’s relationship to the Church. Hosea and Gomer is a story about a man loving a prostitute that depicts God’s relationship with His people. Yes, it’s the best, but remember the whole grace, forgiveness, and being a new creation. I really wise person said something like he who is forgiven much loves much…
      Sincerely, a virgin who married a non-virgin that started practicing chastity after he met Jesus.

      By Rebecca | 2 years ago Reply
    • I have a twenty-something son who has never kissed a girl. He has never walked away from the Lord. He is in the process of buying an engagement ring. They plan to have their first kiss on their wedding day.

      I have one twenty-something son who fell in his high school years. When he was twenty, he fully surrendered to the Lord and has been growing in purity in leaps and bounds. It has been four years. He has not dated until this summer. He is in the process of buying an engagement ring. They probably won’t do anything more than hold hands during their engagement. Their first kiss will be on their wedding day.

      Both are committed to being chaste until their wedding days. is one of them more chaste than the other?

      By Maureen | 2 years ago Reply
      • Not sure what kissing has to do with chastity. Kissing is a natural act to test the biological compatibility with another person, and even, as some geneticists claim, exchange genetic information. While biological compatibility is not the only factor, nor the most important factor in a relationship, it is a factor since we are both body and soul. I would prefer to not to have that surprise experience on my wedding day.

        By Johnny | 2 years ago Reply
  3. This is an excellent article, however these above comments are a little ignorant. True, no one should mock or judge someone who chooses to abstain. And conversely, those who abstain should not judge someone who chooses to have sex before marriage.
    There is nothing wrong with having sex before marriage and there is nothing wrong with waiting either. Sex is an individual’s choice. If someone wants to have sex and loves having sex then it is their choice. Please do not say “society has set the bar so low…” Men aren’t mindless sex machines and it is ignorant for some of the commenters to assume so.

    By Duane | 2 years ago Reply
    • “There is nothing wrong with having sex before marriage ” Huh?

      By JosephW | 2 years ago Reply
  4. Beautiful words! God Bless!

    By Miranda | 2 years ago Reply
  5. Most of the stuff on ChastityProject is pretty shaming, damning stuff. Men are often depicted on this website as lustful dogs who can’t control themselves, and women are either slut-shamed pretty heavily or raised to a holier-than-thou pillar of virtue. So as a lover of JPII’s TOB, I normally avoid this website.

    That said, I have to hand it to you: this is the first post on this website that I’ve ever liked. Granted, I would’ve loved some references to TOB/the bible to back up what you’re saying, but all-in-all? Awesome post. You rock, Arleen. I’ll definitely be picking up a copy of your book!

    By Captain Jake McAwesomesauce | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thanks so much for this feedback, and grateful you’ll get a copy of the book. You’ll have to let me know what ya think after you read it!

      By Arleen (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  6. I don’t that finding “willingness” alone is an indicator that a woman or man is not dating material, its when one of them is unable to mature beyond williness that they should know it isnt healthy for either of them. After all, when I when battling impurity, and failing, I don’t immediately leap back into “bodies are temples, sex is for the creation of life, saving myself for marriage, respect for my future husband, awe at my femininity, pure appreciation of the masculinity of others” or anything along those lines. Instead, I find I am in a love affair, a relationship. My lover, God, tells me “these special gifts are for later… please put them back…” and I am merely… willing to wait. Because I don’t want to lose him. Its after I reoder myself, after I commit to listening and re-learning that the rest comes. And then, there is such an awe for it all I can’t believe I had ever seen chastity any other way.
    Willingness is wonderful, as a start.

    By H.N. | 2 years ago Reply
  7. An excellent point is made here. That the true nature and state of the heart is infinitely more substantial and noble than simply an agreement to maintain restraint because there is essentially no option to fulfill the inappropriate gratification. In other words the young lady has a gun pointed at the boys head to restrain himself because he is incapable of doing so himself – thus limited or no self-control and no honor or virtue is present. When force or threat is required to attain desired behavior it is merely a unilateral arrangement and not a sacred and honorable bilateral respect for the desires of the heart and integrity of the relationship.

    By Paul Joseph | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thank you so much. Amen, amen, amen. You picked up what I hoped readers would.

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
      • Paul Joseph makes a great point. However, sanctification is a process, a process I’d argue coming in part from the iron sharpening iron principle found in scripture. Is it fair to categorically dismiss those who haven’t fully matured in mastering their sexual appetites? Or have we forgotten the transformation of cowardly Peter, sleazy Jacob and bragging Joseph?

        By Robert | 2 years ago Reply
        • Does an unchaste man need to date a chaste woman in order to become chaste, or are there other methods by which he may be transformed?

          By Arleen Spenceley | 2 years ago Reply
    • I believe it’s situational. “Willing” might truly mean that he’s willing to learn to be virtuous. Perhaps he was raised as a devout, Jesus-loving, charitable heart-ed Christian but was simply never taught the importance of chastity, and really has no idea what it means to save sex until marriage. It’s not that you should waste your time with someone who doesn’t respect you or your beliefs, but I don’t agree with the fact that you should treat all men who don’t quite “get it” equally. By automatically avoiding these men, you rule out the possibility that Jesus might be presenting you with an opportunity to aide in someone’s conversion, and you might truly be missing out on a man who could be a loving husband and father to your children. Again, it’s the ability to determine between the men who are truly “willing” and those who are just putting on a show for you. I think the author was right in breaking things off with the man who mocked and tried to tempt her, but you must realize that this is not the case of all non-Catholic men who have never heard of chastity. If I had thought this way, I would not be married to the wonderful man I am today.

      By Liz G | 2 years ago Reply
  8. This is fascinating stuff! First and foremost, you go Arleen! Also, the additional comments are constructive which is good to see. There is a lofty bar set here and I think 90% of people would say that in today’s day and age it’s almost impossible. Finding a man (or a woman) who wants to be chaste and is waiting until marriage to have sex can be tough, especially because many of us don’t even know what chaste/chastity means. Many times we confuse it for celibacy and the refrain from anything sexual. This can lead to being chaste for the wrong reasons. Fear of temptation due to the use of fear tactics in school, birds & bees speeches, etc. Avoidance of temptation due to how we were raised and sexual sin is just ‘something I don’t believe in’. Or in Arleen’s case, at the request of someone else. We don’t expect middle school boys and girls to fully understand temptation, their own desires, and the teachings of Christ, and maybe we shouldn’t, I don’t know. What I do think we should do is understand that people make mistakes along the path to understanding Christ’s teachings as well as the physical gifts He has given us. What happens after those mistakes and once we begin to understand our bodies’ roles in glorifying the Kingdom is when the opportunity to share chastity is opportune. If you notice Arleen’s approach, she didn’t break up with her boyfriend immediately. She gave him time to understand where she was coming from and why. She gave him an opportunity to seek Christ’s heart and make the change internally. I think that’s incredibly admirable. Having faith in the redeeming power of God’s love is crucial in believing that if someone hasn’t been chaste their whole life there is still time to change. And if you believe that, it is possible to believe that nobody is ever lost forever to sexual sin and having a chaste relationship is possible to attain, for all the right reasons and for all His glory.

    By Anonymous | 2 years ago Reply
    • AMEN. Thanks so much for this.

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  9. Dear Young lady, when I read texts like yours it gives me hope concerning young people these days… even some who are “involved” in the Church sometimes think and do just the opposite of your words and attitude. God bless your ministry among the youth. Father Val, from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

    By Father Val | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thank you, Fr. Val!

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  10. ….This is an amazing point and realllly relevant to Catholics attending college at a public university like me. It is really hard to find chaste men, unless you find them through the Church.

    By Annie | 2 years ago Reply
  11. Abso-freakin’-lutely! I think it would have been very different if he thought about it and asked about the reasoning behind it. Perhaps a sort of conversion would have occurred. We early-30s chicks who are single and chaste struggle with this. There is a standard set (low) that sex act is part of being a girlfriend. I hate that. I want a chaste man or at the VERY least one capable of growing that way because my honor and witness help his soul achieve more.

    By Drea | 2 years ago Reply
  12. Amen i believe in that

    By fabian | 2 years ago Reply
  13. Well said! Really enjoyed the ending. i hope more Men will strive to become what God created us to be. It is very tough, but so worth it. Thanks for your posts!

    By James | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thank you for reading them!

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  14. Wow, what an epiphanal point you have! It is important for women to set standards in any relationship. But, if we have to govern and help make moral decisions for our potential husband, how can they lead our family in the same respect? That would be exhausting maintaining both roles in a marriage!

    By Monica Garcia | 2 years ago Reply
    • RIGHT ON

      By Simeon | 2 years ago Reply
    • Same could be said about women too. Its not just man. There are women that do lack discpline, respect when needed, selfish esp my sister. Also esp attractice womens. I want a attractive women that have these basics standards like discipline, takes responsibily seriously, full of love, caring, not whinging (unless its a serious issue which can be resloved by communication). Hence i remain single until my perfect match comes. Im not in hurry. If it doesnt happen well its not the end of the world. There is one and only one that love me the most is God. One day we go heaven and all these sorrows will be gone. You love to blame man but ofcourse so do i. Lol. At the end of the day you need to know that not all man are like that and i know it to. You can blame my brother lol he is a man and just like my sister. Someone who is lazy dont take responsibility dont clean dishes etc. I dont like it but its his choice. No wonder he had few breakups including my sister. I am patient and very happy. Most important thing is to stay positive. Like instead of feeling sorry for my self not having a girlfriend be gratefull i have eyes, can feel, can walk, have a car, my family, awesome friends, etc. Or listen to y favourite music helps alot, etc. So many ways that y can stay positive. I know its not easy but it works for me. Cheers!

      By Sean | 2 years ago Reply
  15. I am a Catholic male but not perfect. Every man would love a virgin girlfriend and make her his wife. But some woman are extremely annoying and really have no other use besides friendship and sex. And for a guy to be a virgin, that is great,but if he is not don’t count him out just yet and to say he will not be a good father because he is not a virgin is wrong. If he works and takes care ,protects and loves his family that is the most important in a man not his virginity. Do you really want a virgin who is lazy and does nothing?

    By Simeon | 2 years ago Reply
    • “But some woman are extremely annoying and really have no other use besides friendship and sex.”
      I would suggest you take some time to evaluate the way you view people as a whole before worrying about justifying statuses of virginity. No one is good for only friendship and sex, and chalking anyone up that way is insulting. God bless.

      By Kendra Hutchison | 2 years ago Reply
      • What Kendra said.

        By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
      • What is y problem? His point of view are perfectly fine. Its not insulting. You can see he is frustrated about some women who are like this. He discribed my sister perfectly. She doesnt take responsibility seriously and frankly cant think! No wonder she got few breakups. She now a adult person and hasnt grow up yet. Hopefully it will get beter but i doesnt want a partner like her.

        By Sean | 2 years ago Reply
  16. This is a beautiful article. I wish I had read something like this before my relationship. I was in this exact situation only I didn’t make the same decision. I was young, 17, and it was my first relationship. I had a purity ring and everything. He said he cares and he had a purity ring too, but it all changed. I didn’t know what to do. One day I was in that position and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I cried, but he didn’t care. It’s been almost three years and I still live with the guilt. I always imagined I would be a virgin when I got married. Now I question if any respectful Christian man will ever want me. Growing up all I heard about was purity and that was my plan. They tell you not to do it, but no one tells you what to do when you get put in that situation. How do you get out of it? Sometimes I wonder if maybe on top of spreading the word of purity, maybe we should also teach young women how to handle situations like that if they are ever faced with them. I’ve met other girls who were in the same situation as me. You just feel helpless, alone, and scared. You don’t know what to do.

    By Tab | 2 years ago Reply
    • Your comment just breaks my heart. You are not helpless or alone.

      I can only hope that you find a way to reclaim your value and worthiness without completely rejecting your faith.

      I do know that no woman of any faith deserves to carry the weight of shame. You acted on a normal human desire for intimacy and connection. It is in no way a reflection of who you are. And it doesn’t make the divine light inside you shine any less brightly.

      You are worthy of respect and love. You are worthy of a partner who honors and accepts you, and affirms your core beliefs.

      Have you seen the Brene Brown TED talk on shame? If not, I recommend it highly.

      http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

      By Samantha | 2 years ago Reply
    • Just retread your comment. It sounds like your consent was violated. That is a reflection of him. Not you.

      That’s not you falling from grace. That is sexual assault.

      RAINN (https://www.rainn.org), the rape and incest national network, has some very good resources for you and others in your situation.

      You are still valuable. You are still worthy of love. You are not damaged goods. You are a child of the divine.

      By Samantha | 2 years ago Reply
  17. Actually, that’s a pretty much egocentric and self-centered line of thought, and these are not characteristics of the virtuefull God you believe in. You are just discarding everything other people believe in and saying that what you believe to be the right thing is sure to be the right thing, not opening yourself to discussion, EVEN with a man you love.

    Sure, you are not forcing your partner to believe in what you believe, you are just excluding anyone who doesn’t believe in what you believe, this may work for you, and if it really does I’m very, very happy for you, but the world is not actually a nice place, and we are not perfect beings, that been said, I think to love someone and being equally loved by that one is PRETTY hard to happen, and someone who agrees with you in everything are just complacent and I don’t think that’s the best way to receive love in this world, from a complacent partner.

    Well, these are just my thoughts… My girlfriend is chaste, I don’t WANT to be chaste, I don’t believe in what she believes, I think it’s pretty self-centered of her to give me two choices: “accept your chastity along with mine or break up with me”, she actually did decided things for me without my concent even before we actually could discuss about it. I’m not a bit happy about it, but I know she is self-centered, and I don’t really expect her to change, this is just the way she is, and I love her that way.

    And on the other hand she loves me back as much as I love her, even though I’m not really wanting chastity, she is willing to accept me that way that I am. And that’s just it, we are not perfect, we are humans loving each other, we are different people that believes in differente things but we have one thing in commom that is something so much bigger than anything else, and that’s that we do love each other even though we know are different.

    If she reads this text, she will pretty much get a little bit mad at me, and won’t really accept the fact that she is selfish, even though she is, because she forces it out, she believes people must love each other and accept each other, and that people should give more than receive, that’s the God she believes in, probably the same as yours, but you know, use the excuse that this is God’s will and forcing YOUR thoughts and YOUR way of life on the people that doesn’t believe in the same things you do is VERY selfish. And that’s not wrong at all, people ARE selfish, you are just selfish with an excuse, you have someone else to blame your selfishness.

    By Pablo | 2 years ago Reply
    • Lol you are confusing word at best. Selfish means you are lazy and dont want to do anything. It has nothing to do with love, give more than receive. And who doesnt want to love each other? What is the point of relationship then? Love, respect, etc is not selfish and yes we must love each other, why not? You want to hate each other then? Well doesnt sound good to me. She is just saying that people should live the right way. Maybe the word ‘must’ should harsh to you? A better word would be ‘should’. I think y gf mean ppl SHOULD love each other should respect each other should give more than receive. You get the point?

      By Sean | 2 years ago Reply
    • So in the end of the day its YOUR CHOICE HOW y want to live. If my partner doesnt meet my standard i wont chose her. End of story. You are clearly insulting her.

      By Sean | 2 years ago Reply
  18. I wonder what the opinion would be on a man who has become chaste either through a religious awakening or through intellectual and moral thoughts like this …and I mean practicing chastity after a period of not being chaste, say as an indifferent young college man.

    By Joseph Smith | 2 years ago Reply
    • Chastity is something somebody can start practicing at any time. If you’re wondering what MY opinion is on men who haven’t always been chaste but are practicing chastity now, awesome. I’ve dated some myself.

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  19. What the opinion would be on a man who has become chaste either through a religious awakening or through intellectual and moral thoughts like this …and I mean practicing chastity after a period of not being chaste, say as an indifferent young college man. This is not meant as a criticism, but as a question.

    By Joseph Smith | 2 years ago Reply
    • John Morgan’s comment above caused me to ask the same question. It seemed as though he was saying that if you aren’t a virgin, it is too late. There is no hope for your marriage. I must hope that he didn’t mean that. My husband and I met and were both saved in our early twenties. By then we were not virgins. But from the moment we repented we lived completely pure lifestyles. Yes, I would say that I have suffered the consequences of my past, but our 32-year marriage has been so sweet. I have two sons in their early twenties. One is a virgin, and one is not. Both are passionate followers of Jesus. The “fallen” one has remained chaste for the past 4 years, refusing to even date until he was ready for marriage. Both are looking at engagement rings. I have a hard time believing that the virgin son will have a better marriage than the other.

      By Maureen | 2 years ago Reply
  20. This is beautifully written and I know it is focused towards a woman’s perspective because it isost common. The truth is it even happens from a male’s perspective as well.

    It is a great piece and it helps me strive not to be that guy to who doesn’t respect wishes and morals the girl feels so strongly for.

    Please pray for all those that have “slipped up” in their life and continue to feel the guilt from their past mistakes!
    Never give up, strive for greatness because we are all great in the eyes of Our Lord!

    By Dexter | 2 years ago Reply
  21. You will have to forgive me, as I come from a very different religious background and was raised with a different set of values in regards to sex and love. It’s clear that you have put a lot of thought into your decision to remain chaste. While that is not a choice that I made for myself, I honor your commitment to your core values.

    I would caution however, against making blanket assumptions about people who, for whatever reason, do not make the choice that you have. There are many valid reasons why people do not wait until marriage and maintain their view of the human body and human sexuality as valuable, if not sacred.

    I think the conversation about chastity should be a much longer discourse. If I were in your shoes, I would want more information before making that decision. Why is he willing to wait, even though he may be open to sleeping with someone else in other circumstances? What does sex mean to him? Why does he have those beliefs about sex? Why do you have your beliefs about sex and can you find some common ground? Where do your and his understanding and information about sex come from? To what extent, if at all, does faith play a role in his decision making process, and to what extent do your beliefs align?

    You make think you know those answers, but his actual answers may very well surprise you.

    Your choice to wait for marriage is valid. And another person’s choice to have sex before marriage is also valid. Neither choice demeans or invalidates the other.

    Just some food for thought.

    By Samantha | 2 years ago Reply
    • Well, I’m afraid your last statements were contradictory. I understand you’re probably not Catholic and do not subscribe to or understand Theology of the Body, and that’s fine. As a Catholic, it’s important to acknowledge that people are on the journey to truth, not holding it in their hands all the time. However, seeing as you’re posting on this website, try to limit your input to the context at hand.

      Also, validity can never occur simultaneously in completely opposing circumstances and decisions. For instance, in the author’s stance, she views sex, sexuality and the human body as sacred, and should be treated with adherence to God’s law, who is the Creator. This presupposes that having sex before marriage is wrong for herself, her romantic partner, as well as every single human being. The other stance is that it’s ok to do whatever you want as long as others affected by it are ok with it too. These are night and day distinctions and separations between these two individuals. For her, having sex before marriage is a gravely immoral, and therefore, an invalid and demeaning decision. For him, her decision to keep sex from them is invalid because he regards it as immature and he has shown his displeasure and rejection of it. Therefore, one set of circumstance has to take precedence over the other, or neither. Both can’t be at play at the same time.

      I liked the part where you mentioned getting to know each other’s differences and trying to find common ground. However, in most cases, especially when it comes to the sanctity of sexuality, not much common ground can be reached. If there are opposing views, one usually simply tolerates the other’s. This can be good for some measure, but may prove problematic in the future. The only solution that will work in the long run is for both to be mostly on the same page. I say mostly to account for the fact that it’s unreasonable to assume that a couple can be completely in sync about something like this, but both must be able to actively support the circumstance that has taken precedence, even if one may not fully internalize the ideas behind it. Thus, as a Catholic, it would be sorry indeed to have the Catholic partner give up his/her heavenly virtues in favour of an absence of them.

      I hope I’m not being rude to you. Please share more and peruse through more of this sort of thing if it interests you. Though it is my belief that I have corrected you, such correction is only useful to facilitate more sharing so that we both might love Truth more, that’s all. I’m sorry if I seem to belittle your opinions, that was never my intention.

      By Marvolo | 2 years ago Reply
  22. I can understand why the writer would want a man who enthusiastically embraces chastity; however, I would not automatically disqualify someone if they were willing to just “wait it out.” Not every guy received good formation, often through no fault of his own. Being willing to just “wait it out” is also noble because the guy is willing to do something good for his wife to be, even if he himself hasn’t yet fully converted his ways of thinking. As Catholics, we also should leave some room for admonishing and instructing the ignorant and praying for their repentance before we totally write them off as bad material for marriage. After all, the writer of this article is also a human being with flaws and shortcomings who will require patient understanding. God’s blessings to all!

    By Jason | 2 years ago Reply
    • Jason, that’s just what I’m thinking. There certainly are young men who enthusiastically embrace chastity, but nearly all of them get married a month after graduating from TAC or Christendom College. A single woman over college age, selecting from a wider pool of Catholic single men, ought to bear this is in mind, and be prepared to consider men who haven’t had chastity presented to them in a positive way, but whose general good character might lead them to understand and practice it when it is so presented to them.

      By Elinor Dashwood | 2 years ago Reply
  23. You make interesting Comments on what a Man “Should be” as well as giving us guys perspective on what a “Woman Should Want.” I congratulate you for this and applaud your sincere hope for the “better” of me and women around the world. I hope other people will read and understand this article through friends and family as I have. God Bless and Thank you for you witness! (23, Sad Life. Please pray for me!)

    By Mike Navalta | 2 years ago Reply
  24. You look like a beautiful young lady, which relieved me at the end of your article.

    By Karen Wilson Green, | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thank you. I think, lol. But I’ve got to ask: How did you expect that I would look, and why did how I actually look surprise you? Perhaps this is fodder for a future blog post… 🙂

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  25. Its doable. Both me and my wife saved sex until our marriage.

    By andre | 2 years ago Reply
  26. I completely agree with your article 100%!

    By Ali | 2 years ago Reply
  27. That’s a piece has really encouraged me….Am still struggling with my boyfriend on this, but this just tells me am on the right path, thanks Arleen! May our blessed mother bless what you are doing!

    By Banleman | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thank you so much!

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  28. Just wanted to say I respect and support the decisions you made. From personal experience, I found the journey towards finding a life partner a very difficult one and wondered many times if the bar was just too high and unrealistic. God is faithful however and I’ve been blessed with a husband whose standards are perhaps even higher than me and who is a constant reminder to be faithful. God bless.

    By Vicki | 2 years ago Reply
  29. When this came up between me and my boyfriend, it was when we were eating with another friend. She said she was glad we’d finally gotten together and made some not-so-subtle hint at us possibly having sex in the near future. She at least implied that my boyfriend probably wanted to have sex. I felt extremely vulnerable at that point, wondering if he really was expecting that. I blushed and squirmed, making an uncomfortable face because I have no poker face to speak of. My boyfriend then chuckled and said “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.” And I felt a lot better after that.

    Until he started gradually coaxing me into heavy make-out sessions. I was so inexperienced that I discarded my mom’s prior warning before college that if a guy asked to make out, I shouldn’t because “He just wants to feel you up,” and another warning from her if I notice a guy is aroused on a date, I should make an excuse to leave immediately. We ended up doing a lot of things that, while not intercourse itself, regularly inflicted mortal sin on our souls. I kept going to Confession as I gradually began to understand that this wasn’t just some playful way to let out my frustrations but was actually something that was sinful and weakened my resolution not to have sex outside of marriage. It never “let out” my urges but actually increased them exponentially. I became distraught and upset with my boyfriend because he was, whether he thought so or not, going against his previous promise. There were excuses at first. He said we were fine, and we just had chosen a late stopping point, but we were still not having sex, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it. When I said, “What are you doing?” in response to his gropings, he’d say “I don’t know” and often keep doing it. And I let him because I liked the feeling while it was still happening.

    One day, I finally put my foot down and said no more make-outs. After some days, I started not kissing him on the lips–I never said no more kissing on the lips, I just stopped doing it. I’d turn my head away. At that point, he said he felt like “you want me to become a nun.” So, we compromised with a 3-second kiss rule. That he has often violated. But, in spite of that, I find it much easier to resist the temptation now than before. It’s been almost 2 years since we last made out. I feel a lot more at peace with myself. My boyfriend has stopped viewing porn, because he knows it upsets me. His new way of “venting” his urges is to tickle me–something which I often retaliate for with more tickles.

    In spite of all this improvement, though, I can’t help but wonder, “How does he view sex? How does he view marriage?” And, worst of all, sometimes I ask myself, “Does he really love me for me? Or does he love me for my body and for the emotional comfort I give him?” I think we could make it work. We could get married and have kids with the right work (we’ve talked about marriage and starting a family since 3 months into the relationship). But I don’t tell him that, if I could go back and do it over again, I probably wouldn’t have pursued him. He and I discuss my dark questions every so often, directly or indirectly, but I don’t think even he knows his beliefs about it. For a guy who has no religion except some basic and vague concept of Chi, supplemented with superstitious suspicion of Halloween, dates, and omens, and with most of his moral schooling done by peers and the video games and tv he consumes, it’s hard for him to critically evaluate his ideals and form a coherent viewpoint out of his feelings. Our differing views have made it really hard, so much that in an angry moment I gave up all hope of working it out and tried to break up with him (that’s a story for another time). But, by this point, he’s my best friend as well as the man I’m romantically attached to, and I don’t want to leave him unless we truly come to an impassible bridge. So far, we’re able to come to a comfortable and usually happy arrangement as long as we honestly talk about our issues. I’d advise other girls to think long and hard before jumping into this kind of situation, though.

    By Erika | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thanks so much for sharing all this, Erika. Prayers for you while you discern your next steps.

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
    • I would suggest reading Karol Wjotyla’s (JP II’s) “The Jeweler’s Shop”… It plays deeply into the some of the points you have raised and pondered. I would say especially the second act.

      You have my prayers for you while you discern your next steps, as well. God bless.

      By John | 2 years ago Reply
  30. Both men and women need to be smart and not let people take the gift that God has given. To respect one another is to love God. Not easy to do. Being strong that is. Love people like you want to be loved but also demand respect in return with kindness say you MUST respect me too.
    Respect!! I agree with you.

    By claudia zelaya | 2 years ago Reply
  31. So, Arleen, do you actually have any intention of getting married at this point or are you just hoping to string these poor guys along until you hit 35+??? Seems pretty dishonest of you to demand unending commitment from the man without any reciprocation on your part, until of course you get tired of playing single career girl hmmmm??

    By jim | 2 years ago Reply
    • Perhaps I’ll answer your questions in a future post on my blog, arleenspenceley.com. Stay tuned…

      By Arleen Spenceley (@ArleenSpenceley) | 2 years ago Reply
  32. You are right and your resultant solitude in this world is far better than the misery of an exploitative relationship. The Age requires the witness of joyful evangelical chastity as a sign of a better possible future.

    By Jerome | 2 years ago Reply
  33. This is impractical. By insisting on dating only young men who come out of their mothers’ hands pre-perfected, you’re not doing anything to encourage chastity in an ordinary young man who might like you enough to wait for you. Cut him off at once if he starts to hassle you, by all means, but give him a chance. Your present plan has you on track for living alone with three cats for whom you sew tiny costumes. That’s better than being married to a lecherous creep, but there really are men who could learn to see chastity as we do, if a girl who respected herself challenged him to respect her, too.

    By Elinor Dashwood | 2 years ago Reply
    • a) A person who practices chastity is not a person who is perfect at chastity, or perfect at all.

      b) Why do I need to be in a dating relationship with a man in order to challenge him to respect me? Does a woman need to be a man’s girlfriend in order to teach him chastity, or can she teach him in other contexts and by other means?

      c) I’m not a cat person. 🙂

      By Arleen Spenceley | 2 years ago Reply
    • So, young men who are waiting on marriage are “pre-perfected.” And young men who did not wait on marriage are “lecherous creeps.” The creativity in straw men these days is astounding. At least Arleen won’t have to worry about sewing a costume for a big clown who thinks it’s a girl’s responsibility to teach him what chastity is.

      By John Morgan | 2 years ago Reply
  34. I found this article somewhat problematic. You seem to imply mere willingness is bad in general. When a friend of mine was dating his girlfriend (still is), he was initially only “willing” to wait. But he later confessed that he was more happy with the choice to wait and that it made the love he felt more real and romantic. He wasn’t use to waiting, but I have never seen him intent on making someone else happy. What you say indicates your boyfriend wasn’t really “willing” to wait; he was just holding out for you to change your mind.

    By Autumn Mayborne | 2 years ago Reply
    • Indeed, my then-boyfriend wasn’t actually willing to wait, hence the quotes around ‘willing’ in this post’s headline.

      I do believe a person who isn’t willing to wait can become a person who is, and that a person who is willing to wait (but not used to it, like your friend) can become a person who actually practices chastity. However, I don’t believe an unchaste person must date a chaste person in order to become chaste — I think there are lots of ways to learn chastity outside the context of a dating relationship. But it’s awesome that your friend was truly willing to learn in that context.

      By Arleen Spenceley | 2 years ago Reply
    • With all due respect, your friend’s girlfriend deserves better. The fact that he’s willing to try waiting doesn’t change anything, especially what he’s done. He’s hasn’t waited in the past, which means probably means he won’t hold to his change of heart Women shouldn’t settle for less than a real man who’s waited.

      By Mary Chase | 2 years ago Reply
  35. I understand your point. And clearly this man didn’t truly respect you or your beliefs. However, some men are very diluted by the secular world and simply don’t even know chastity is even a viable option. I started dating a man who was Christian but thought nothin about masturbation. He was trying not to look at pornograoh you but considered masturbation a simple health issue, as most men do. He thought I was crazy when I told him I could never marry a man who masturbates, and he said he wouldn’t have to so much once married. I tried explaining how degrading that is to his wife, as if she is simply a means to an end that he could really do without if he had to. Anywho, long story short, we stopped dating but remained good friends and he has since converted to the Catholic faith and is in love with Her teaching on sex, and he is leaving in a week to go join Marian missionaries for a year. He didn’t understand where I was coming from, but he respected me and my beliefs, although they were different from his. I think if you have a really amazing man in front of you, but he simply is caught up in the lies of the culture, don’t give up on him right away. Every well-meaning man deserves a chance, at least if you really care about him…

    By Sarah | 2 years ago Reply
  36. Marital relations are restricted to the marriage relationship because the natural human inclination fights this. God gave men and woman a sex drive as a gift, but He wants us to use this gift in the context of a loving monagamous relationship- to take an animalistic drive and make it holy. It’s not restricted as a punishment but to make it special between two people. Because wanting sex is a natural tendency, it is foolish to put people in comprising situations- like teen dating, for example. When young adults are ready to marry, dating serves to help them find their intended spouses. Before that it’s just a dangerous tempting game. All my children refrained from mixed socializing until they were seeking marriage. Btw, we’re observant Jews.

    By barbie | 2 years ago Reply
  37. excellent article. Smart young lady.

    By Kathleen Neely | 2 years ago Reply
  38. Hmmm…this is going to be a weird comment, coming from someone who’s learned TOB (Theology of the Body) and is trying his best to manifest its awesomeness in my life.

    I think the author is a little…aggressive, in a kinda bad way. Not that her intentions and standards are in any way a problem in the long run, but they might be in the short run.

    Why do I say this? Well, I must point out that whatever we learn, whatever standards that we Catholics should have in our daily lives, there are precious, precious few that actually live up to them. Heck, the state of formation and teaching of young and adult Catholics is in such a sorry state across the globe, even Catholics are either rejecting or at least failing to live up to these standards. I’m not saying that this justifies anything or validates bad behaviour, but purity and chastity is a journey and a challenge that may take our entire lives. Not many young ones (talking as a young one myself) have much self-mastery.

    Talking about self-mastery, where do you draw the line? Having sex? Abstaining from sex is a small aspect of chastity. What about masturbation? What about watching porn? What about looking at hot women and being overly sexually attracted to them? All of these are violations of chastity. So then your statement ‘I don’t want a man who acts chastely, I want a man who is chaste’ refers to a man who does not do ANY of these things, not just save sex for marriage. Well, I’m just gonna hypothesize that you’re gonna be really hard pressed if you’re not above 70.

    What i’m trying to say is: take people as they are, and try to bring light to wherever they have darkness in them. Never lower your standards for men, rather, instead of rejecting everyone except the most chaste, try to to bring men up to your level, up to your (and TOB’s) standards. Of course, I do believe this is a daunting task. A task made even more so by the fact that men may reject and mock your ‘light’ even when you try to share it with them with sincerity and gentleness. I get it. However, no Catholic should agree to take the easy way out and forgo possible sufferings and blessings when such a path is called for? Will you suddenly read this and henceforth act like I say? Perhaps not, but I sincerely hope you may try, in time.

    I believe that you are rather affected by the actions and behaviour of the man you mentioned. He probably was rather ‘tolerating’ of your standards and later got tired of tolerating it and subsequently rejected you. However, you can’t expect all men to be like that. Who better to facilitate conversion than a woman, by being a conduit for God’s grace through his heart?

    By Marvolo | 2 years ago Reply
    • This was exactly my point, only mad much more eloquently.

      By Sarah | 2 years ago Reply
  39. From a mom of three grown men ..

    Amen!!!!

    By Doreen Esther | 2 years ago Reply
    • 🙂

      By Arleen Spenceley | 2 years ago Reply
  40. Excellent article! It is short and to the point. Unfortunately, sometimes even Catholics believe it’s enough that the couple be “willing” to be chaste. No! They should want and love to be chaste, not be forced into it, although being “willing” is better than indulging in mortal sin that drives the life of God out of one’s soul.

    By Cindy | 2 years ago Reply
  41. So the only arguments you people have are fairytales written by the roman empire proclaiming chastity in order to preserve Devine bloodlines, added to Christianity during assimilation of the cult of Saturn?

    While there are actual reasons to practice chastity, none are used in this discussion.

    By Lol | 2 years ago Reply
  42. I’m always surprised at my fellow single Catholic & other Christian men who don’t practice chastity: theology & soteriology aside, I’m just a doctrinal completionist like that!

    The back and forth in the comments here remind me of the past twenty years (I’m 35 now) of my life — 80% of the folks in my life mocking my chastity and virginity, 20% dubbing me an off-limits special snowflake (I’ve known few single practicing Christian/Catholic woman: the Catholics have turned me down for lack of finances and the Protestants for refusing to almost-put-out).

    The main danger of being known as a long-term chaste Catholic guy? Even when you’re the one single man NOT “discerning,” you’re everyone’s new favorite target for priesthood recruitment! There are nuns breaking up my conversations with women after Mass…

    By Episteme | 2 years ago Reply
  43. I think this is a wonderful article and I hope everyone heeds this advice. I wish I would have seen into my future when I dated a guy who wasn’t chaste but was “willing to wait.

    By Mary | 2 years ago Reply
  44. who dates you?

    By mim | 2 years ago Reply
  45. Sure, he isn’t “willing” but it sounds like you’re bragging about being a virgin and using it for monetary gain. So theres that

    By Shane | 2 years ago Reply
  46. I love this article! Too many times women are labeled as the gatekeepers of sex. Men are meant to ask and ask for sex to see how many times we say no and we’re supposed to “make him wait” I hate this ideal for many reasons. 1 It makes it seem like men have NO self control and all they want out of us is sex 2 it puts a lot of pressure on relationships as a girl can feel awkward or coerced by a man who is always insisting on sex. As you said in the article, as Christians we should BOTH be waiting for marriage. But this “make a guy wait” ideal makes it seem if a guy has sex he has not committed a sin, it was the woman who did by “letting” him sleep with her. Sex is more than a prize for men who are “nice” to us and “wait for us” it is a beautiful gift from God btw 2 people who love eachother and are married. Thank you for this article

    By Veroncia | 2 years ago Reply
  47. While the author makes a lot of great points and I appreciate her ideas, I have to offer one exceptional counterpoint. I once dated a man who was “willing to wait.” Though raised Catholic, his faith had not been the biggest priority in his life. If I had been willing, he definitely would have too.

    But an amazing thing happened – over time, dating turned more serious. We began attending mass together, praying together, and through the grace of the Holy Spirit, this man experienced a reawakening of his faith. He went from being “willing to wait” to being just as personally committed as I was. I’m happy to say that man is now my wonderful (Catholic) husband!

    Again, I agree that no woman (or man!) should ever feel pressure to break her (his) promises because thats not a sign of a healthy relationship, and probably not of a sign of a partner thats open to change. I’ve also had relationships similar to what the author describes (“willing to wait” very quickly turned into “come one, baby, don’t you love me?”). All I wanted to offer is that if I had thrown out that one whos willingness to wait blossomed into a beautiful faithful relationship, I wouldn’t have my amazing husband!

    By C | 2 years ago Reply
  48. THANK YOU for your post. I’ve always said this and find it remarkable that it HAS to be said. (But it DOES. NO ONE EVEN IMAGINES IT. And when they hear it – they find it offensive…So post on.)

    I’m 30 and I have YET to meet a single person who is likeminded. Of course, I don’t run in Christian circles so I think you’ll find your good person.

    Love…

    By Elle | 2 years ago Reply
  49. Then women better be virgin on marrage bed if not then i break up with her.

    By al | 2 years ago Reply
  50. I didn’t expect there to be a blog about abstinence and I’m so happy about it! So thank you because it’s something extremely important for self-identity and saving something so sweet for the absolute perfect time.

    By Mallory | 2 years ago Reply
  51. So I’ve just started talking to this guy who is in a class of mike at school. We’re both freshman in college. I’ve spoke to him and told him that I plan to save sex for marriage. We talked about it and I told him if you don’t want to continue whatever this is or may be (because we both like each other) then I will understand cause I can’t give him what he wants. He told me that it was a long time to wait til marriage. He said we could be friends then because that’s something that he knows he’s going to want. I got upset but didn’t give up (By the way he hasn’t had a relationship before or his first kiss before me). So we talked on the phone when I got home that evening and I was looking up article after article on chastity project and just on the web about facts of why sex isn’t good before marriage. I told him a persons divorce rate goes up when they sleep with someone else and that when you have intercourse with other people there are hormones that are released in your brain that make you emotionally and physically bonded with that person and that’s why couples who sleep together have a harder time breaking up because they have this bond that’s hard to break. He said “well isn’t that good so you can be closer with them?” I told him, “no because more often than not, they’re not the person you’re going to spend your life with” I asked him, “when you get married, do you want to have the strongest bond and connected with your future wife?” He said yes. I told him, “okay so that’s why you save sex for marriage, so you and your wife can become one in your marriage through this beautiful act.” He isn’t necessarily a practicing Catholic so I didn’t want to drop all the bible stuff on him cause I didn’t want him to shut down and not listen to me. Then I told him, “you haven’t been in a relationship to know what it’s like. Relationships are hard enough without the sexual aspect of it. If you incorporate that, things just get messy and complicated. You should want to be in a relationship with someone because you like then, you enjoy spending time with them, they make you laugh, they’re a good friend to you, you feel comfortable around them and because they make you want to be a better person. I really like him so idk if I should’ve done this or not but I asked him if he would even be willing to try and wait and see where this may lead. Those things were apparently the only things that stuck with him. He spoke to me the next day and said that I was right about why someone should want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you happy and who you love being around. So he said he wants to be with me. But then we talked again later and I asked him what to say if people ask about us. Like are we dating or what? He said we can say we’re dating and wait a few weeks to see how he does with waiting or something? I’m not sure. I’m very confused and not sure what to think. Help?

    By Cris | 2 years ago Reply
  52. Since, men are not waiting to have sex, why should the women? Men are not even taught to wait. It is never spoke of in church for men to follow. How can women wait if men are not trying to wait also? They are just working against women. Double standard. With the acceptance of intention-less dating by men, the demise of date fixups, single men no longer attending church, and the high rate of Christians divorcing, all ages of singles are driven to the internet to find someone. Women want relationships, husbands, and children. Many men are terrified of committment.,no good role models/Too many choices out there to find someone as there may be someone better.Or to bother working on your marriage when it hits a rough patch. Easier to start over. Sexual purity might ease your guilty conscience, but it won’t guarantee a great married sex life or save a marriage. Our culture turns a blind eye to broken promises. It is too hard of a burden all this waiting and denying natural desires. With marriage rates dropping, so will those entering marriage as virgins.

    By Helen Schirmer | 2 years ago Reply
  53. Very powerful article!!

    By Alana | 2 years ago Reply
  54. Men still prefer virginity in the woman they marry. We just completed a survey using Survey Monkey in USA and found that …

    • 2 out of 3 heterosexual men answered “Zero” to the question “Would you prefer the woman you marry to have previously had zero sex partners or more than zero sex partners”

    • 3 out of 4 heterosexual men answered either “Somewhat good” or “Very Good” to the question “How would you feel if the woman you marry previously had never had sexual intercourse with another man” with the majority answering “Very Good”.

    By William Garrison | 2 years ago Reply
  55. It’s funny because I thought you meant at first you wouldn’t date anybody that abstained, but as I read I understood your point of you a lot more and I respect it. I refused to have sex with both serious relationships I’ve been in, even when I have the opportunity. It’s totally a decision I made when I was in junior high, which was a decision I made and went to church youth group. The relationships didn’t last much longer after that. I’ve only ever told a few of my guy friends, and some of them didn’t believe me or thought I was stupid. I’ve always heard it said that a woman’s heart should be so close to God, that a man will have to seek Him to find her. That’s always been my plan, and it will be a gift I give my future bride.

    By Rich | 2 years ago Reply

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