Homosexuality: Am I destined to be alone?

Many people think that because I experience same-sex attractions, I have only two choices in life: Get into a relationship with another guy and be “fulfilled” or be single and alone (and therefore, miserable). They forget that there is far more to life than either of those choices!


Although I’m not in romantic relationship, I don’t feel alone. Unfortunately, many people wonder how that could be possible. To me, this reveals a confusion that exists between feeling alone and being alone. Let me explain:

To Feel Alone or To Be Alone


Have you ever found yourself with people who don’t seem to care who you are, or what you’re going through? Even though you might spend large amounts of time with these people, your interactions with them aren’t exactly nourishing your heart.

In this situation, it is very easy to feel alone, despite not actually being alone. However, we can also be alone without feeling alone—just ask anyone who is away from their loved one. This is because the bond they share in their hearts is more real than the space that separates them.

When my heart wasn’t connected to others, I felt alone. However, ever since I have chosen to become open to growing in the virtue of chastity, I have become open to uniting my heart to the Heart of Christ (and this is what I continuously strive to do). In doing this, I have become united in the heart with every other person who strives to do the same.

This specific choice has opened many doors for me to find fellowship with others in a worldwide community of people who are also striving to grow in this virtue. The connection of our hearts may be intangible, but our community is not—it is strong and it is growing! It is built up of every person, regardless of attractions or inclinations experienced, who is striving to grow in the virtue of chastity. Along this journey, there is no “alone,” but rather there is a familial bond, through Christ, with the heart of every person who abides in Him—on Earth, and in Heaven!

As a result of my commitment to strive to grow in the virtue of chastity, I truly have never felt alone, despite often being alone. As for the longings of my heart—which are just as real as they ever have been—they are now tempered with self-control, so that I can better discern whether pursuing those longings will help me grow in virtue or not, while keeping in mind that Christ does not draw us away from virtue. In fact, growth in virtue transforms the longings of our hearts to be oriented towards Christ! This does not lead us away from our true selves, but helps us become more fully alive as beloved sons and daughters of God!

I find great joy in being honest with myself by recognizing this truth, and simply being open to what may be in store in the future. I see my prior unchaste life in the rear-view mirror, and I ain’t ever going back! 🙂

____________________

Andrew is a Courage member and contributor to the Pursuit Of Truth Ministries website. He is a speaker and writer, most recently co-authoring the pamphlet resource Sexuality and the Catholic Church, which has been made available for free download. He can be reached at info@pursuitoftruth.ca.

 

33 Comments

  1. Thank you for speaking on this topic!

    By Jennifer | 2 years ago Reply
  2. I too continue to work on living a chaste life as I am divorced. It is my choice to live this way with Christ by my side and could not be happier! This does not mean it is not difficult at times but know that i am never truly fullfilled in any other way!

    By Mary Beth | 2 years ago Reply
  3. God Bless you, your thoughts and desires for Christ!

    By Linda J Seward | 2 years ago Reply
  4. God bless you!!!This is the most beautifl Love Letter I’ve read! I wil keep you in my prayers.

    By Karen Hashey | 2 years ago Reply
  5. I also watched the “The Third Way” video. Awesome. I thought I was good to go, in not being indiferant with people. But wow! These have been an eye opener to love all with the heart, and not just the mind! We never know what people are suffering, or what they have been through. Thank you for your awesome post! God Bless!!

    By Sonia | 2 years ago Reply
  6. I pray that God continually help you in your struggles. You are inspiring.

    By Elaine | 2 years ago Reply
  7. God bless you and all of us as we strive to live chaste lives in an unchaste world! Your story is inspirational!

    By Glenn | 2 years ago Reply
  8. This was very well written! I’m so glad that I read it. Thank you for your honesty and openness. I feel it really verbalized some points I have been contemplating. Keep pressing forward in Christ. I am not Catholic, but I am born again, and I understand what you meant when you referenced being alone, but not feeling alone. I think this is possible through the love, and power of God.

    By Christina | 2 years ago Reply
  9. Chastity is a difficult virtue, especially in our culture. Even as a heterosexual married woman I struggle with this at times. Chastity is not an orientation issue. It’s a human issue. God bless you! My prayers are with you!

    By Joanne Bober | 2 years ago Reply
  10. Beautiful! So courageous and virtuous–you are a big light of hope and true love in our over-sexualized world! Amazing, keep going man!!

    By Bart | 2 years ago Reply
  11. Community of people…where is this community of people? I’d like to be a part of this group. Please!

    By Debbie | 2 years ago Reply
  12. This is wonderful! Thank you for your courage and witness!

    By AnneMarie Miller | 2 years ago Reply
  13. Life’s not easy but we’re not alone in the struggle. Thank you!

    By Laura | 2 years ago Reply
  14. all struggles require to start the day with prayer and at
    night an examination of conscious. And close the
    day with a forgiveness prayer and gratitude prayer.
    We all need prayer partners, that support us in prayer,
    God Bless your efforts and work.

    By Maria | 2 years ago Reply
  15. Life not only merely about sex.
    Sex is only part of life.

    So, men can still life with or without sex.
    Sex is a choice.

    We can surpress our sex lust by doing good things.
    E.g.: working out, doing sport, charity, focusing mind to something more greater.

    Gay temptation is similar to the lust of a husband to another wife (although he has already a wife) which is sinfull.
    So, both gay and husband must control their lust, because it’s not correct.
    By doing good things.

    But the most importing thing for help, come to the LORD, then they won’t be alone anymore, because HE will be with them.
    HE will also help them to conquer their wrong lust.

    It’s simple advice and simple solution.

    By Joseph | 2 years ago Reply
  16. Beautiful words. They do not only apply to people with same-sex attractions, but to all of us. The virtue of chastity deepens our intimacy with God and we are called to it. Thank you! God bless you and your mission always Andrew.

    By Isabel Andrade | 2 years ago Reply
  17. Spot on! You’ve spoke my mind! This one area most people do not understand or should I say refuse to understand! Thank you for sharing this.

    By Sylvia | 2 years ago Reply
  18. Beautiful! As a single, divorced woman, I, too have discovered the dynamic of fulfillment of seeking union with Christ through chastity and consecration of my sexuality to Him. I feel a sense of solidarity with you, my friend. Marriage and human sexuality are temporary exercises (though sacramental in nature). There is no marrying in heaven and the pleasure of sexual union on this earth pales in comparison to the glory to be revealed in us in the Beatific Vision (of which ecstatic moments in contemplative prayer are but a foretaste).

    By Margaret Honore | 2 years ago Reply
  19. I am blessed by your honesty and courage. May the Lord prosper the work of your hands.

    By Ces | 2 years ago Reply
  20. Thank you Andrew! God bless you, and praise Him for giving you the grace of courage and faith. It’s truly rewarding to find such a peace. **HUGS**

    By Lissa Untalan | 2 years ago Reply
  21. Dear one, your note is a great inspiration. Our pastor recently called for our church to be one of those safe places where people can bond…and enjoy good Christian fellowship…also including people who have same sex attraction. We have small groups…My suggestion to any dear person new to a Christian fellowship (single/divorced…married) is to speak privately with a pastor/elders…and ask for help in connecting with sensitive people in that church who will form a close Christian bond with them. They can have the clean heart and inner healing we all experience when we r walking close to God…and dear brothers/sisters who are similarly walking close to God.

    By vanessa | 2 years ago Reply
  22. Thanks for the great and inspiring article, Andrew! You have much to teach the world about living authentic lives. Keep up the good work, and may God bless you and guide your steps.

    By Mary Ann Jepsen | 2 years ago Reply
  23. I was told to come here because I have what’s classified as “same-sex attractions”, also known as SSA (which is a terrible acronym, considering you’re talking about gay people). And I have only read this article, and I’m already getting the same shameful feeling that has accompanied me all my life. I can’t wake up in the morning without feeling it. Maybe not on the outside, but deep inside, I feel horrible and I feel like I’m living a horrible life. And were it not for my Catholic upbringing, I wouldn’t feel so bad. Multiple studies show that there is almost no correlation between more abstinence training and less sex. So keep on dishing out the guilt, the self-loathing, the embarrassment, because I’m not going to be part of it any longer.
    -Richard, an Ex-Catholic

    By Richard Cypher | 2 years ago Reply
    • Dear Richard,
      I’m so sorry you feel like everyone is judging you and hating you and loathing you. some people are like that unfortunately and even in the church they can be like that because they don’t understand people like you and me. but i don’t think it’s fair to think that anyone in this blog is ‘dishing out guilt, etc’ i certainly haven’t felt this. i find the stories in blogs like this very inspiring and helpful because i have similar experiences. i never feel judged or hated. I can never make up for what other people have done to you, but for what its worth, i’m sorry for any hate you have received from people in the church.

      By JP | 2 years ago Reply
    • Hey Richard, I am truly sorry to hear how these experiences have become your view of the Church. That is not the Church. Guilt is never “dished out” like that. You, nor any member of the Church, is any less of a human being. People who try to be all high and mighty by saying you should feel bad for these feelings should take a look at “he who is without sin cast the first stone” John 8:7. Everybody has their struggles, and everybody falls in their battle against sin. Just because your (and my) struggle is with homosexual attractions (which btw the term SSA is only a thing because saying “I’m Gay” is saying that your entire identity IS Gay. We are much more complex creatures than our sexuality alone) doesn’t mean that we have a worse sin to fight off than someone else who has heterosexual lustful temptations.

      Unfortunately, most people haven’t reached a high enough level of understanding of what we have to deal with, and they let society be their brain when it comes to their opinion and thoughts about homosexual attractions. Like I said, it’s just another type of cross to bear, and everyone has their own unique cross.

      I personally am still struggling with my attractions, as I am in my early 20s, and the power of the world to tempt me is so strong. Why is acting on my homosexual attractions, giving in to lust, and not trying to be chaste a bad thing? Its because its all fleeting, physical pleasures. It means our happiness is based on and completely dependent on the worldly things, and disappears once those things are gone. Think addiction, where you need more and more of a thing to get the same feeling. However, chastity is a tool and a way of life that centers our happiness around something that isn’t part of the temporal world– and thus can never be taken away. It is centered around our faith. Most of all, it removes the notion that “the world is here to serve and please me” which is essentially what is going on when people depend on the world for their happiness, and replaces it with “I am here to serve others in the world”. THAT right there is true happiness, service to others. Once you remove your own wants, a small form of self-centeredness, you are able to be happy. To love others, specifically through trying to help others and focusing your happiness and life not on yourself, but on helping others, is what Jesus commanded us, and is at the root of our Catholic faith.

      Therefore Richard, please don’t give up on the church so soon. I know that its so buried in complex mental acrobatics, but taking the time to work these things out for yourself, for finding happiness through becoming more Christlike, is so worth it. When has anything worthwhile been quick, easy, and painless? There’s always a catch, and the universal truth that hard work pays its dividends remains true here. The church is merely the path to salvation, allowing us to focus our lives on Christ and become more like him. I’ve faced these struggles just like you have, and yes I’m homosexual (and much more than that! lol), but I know joy and love through God, and I have only the Church to thank for that.

      We, the Catholic Church, miss you, and love you. Please give us another chance.

      By Nick | 2 years ago Reply
  24. I get that sex is not obligatory for one’s happiness and socity in general makes a big deal out of it… But for having experienced it in my time of depravity, it was indeed AWESOME. Like honestly one of the best moment in my life. How is it possible to live saying “I’ve tasted chocolate, but I have to eat vegetables for my entire life now, and have to forget about that delicious chocolate I tasted, which is bad in apparently every circumstances and any quantity.” Pretty hard I would say 🙁

    By Olivier | 2 years ago Reply
  25. This article makes me so sad… I am commenting to let all the vulnerable gay/bi/questioning youth that pursuing love with the person that fits your sexual orientation is not wrong or sinful. It is possible to maintain a relationship with God without living your life as a lie. Homosexual love is no less than heterosexual love– I have been in a long-term committed relationship with someone of the same sex and have felt completed by his love. You don’t have to choose one or the other. Perhaps instead of questioning your sexual choices, you should be questioning why your loved ones are pushing you towards celibacy without good reason.

    By Sean MacLennan | 2 years ago Reply
    • I live in Croatia, and it’s very hard thing to do, to live as others told you to. They all think bad of you, they toss you away, and don’t care about the damage they’ve done to you. Feeling bad most of the time led me to smoking, and ruining myself and others. I don’t want to do the celibacy thing and all of that, I love God, I respect God, but all those stories about being a homosexual in my world is just a sin, just a devil’s doing. I can’t take it any more but you must you have to. You just hope that there is better time to come. Me and the ones like me are having a rough time being themselfs because you can easily get killed if someone wrong finds out that there is a homosexual person living near him. And i wonna get a boyfriend and a life partner but I have to move to a different state to do that, and just bye wish you good health and your life as I might not have one to live to.

      By From Croatia | 2 years ago Reply
  26. The LORD God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” (Gn 2:18)
    God not said: “It is not good for the man to feel alone.”
    Then, how to justify that is better to him a life without a partner?

    By Carlos | 2 years ago Reply
    • This verse is dangerous. If you look at it from an analytical perspective, it basically presents two outcomes: homosexuality is inherently a sin, not just relationships, or homosexual marriages are sinless. Because this verse is largely the foundation upon which the sacrament of marriage is based (I heard it at a Catholic wedding recently), to argue that gays should be celibate for their entire lives to better serve God just seems ludicrous; I both am and feel alone. It has not yet hit me that the Church that, despite my frustrations, I largely still love would force me to remain single or ostracize me if I were to refuse. I’ve been confronted with fairly convincing arguments regarding sex and romanticism; I’ve been told that this is not what God would want for me, which I believe is the worst thing to say to another person because while one might think they are helping, or sharing truth, the other is confronted with possibly false feelings of guilt and fear of damnation. People have told me that there are many ways to live single and not alone, and I can rationalize a priest’s marriage to the Church as a female or a nun’s marriage to Jesus ad abiding by this verse, but my question is this: if this verse is the foundation upon which Christian marriage lays, then why are gays convinced thoroughly that they should remain single? That is why the only other alternative is that homosexuality is inherently sinful, because there’s no other alternative to marriage but religious life, and to say that everyone who experiences same-sex-attractions must be convinced to join a religious community is cruel. “It is NOT GOOD that man should be alone,” yet here we are.

      By Anonymous | 2 years ago Reply
  27. I was told by two Nashville Dominicans with whom I briefly talked to come here. I saw a few positive comments, but after reading the article I just felt sinful and shameful because I know I eventually want a serious romantic relationship – and I want to say that I would, as a teenage Catholic, refrain from having sex until “marriage,” but I can’t get married within the Church, so that’s apparently not a thing. I was just recently in a relationship with a guy that I hadn’t known for long, and I feel as though it was unfulfilling because my parents became very suspicious of me, and I was always really stressed/paranoid to ask them if I could hang with him. So I ended it. I know that a lot of you will say, “well, obviously, something was wrong” or “It didn’t feel right because that’s never what God would want for you.” Things like that – and I get it, I understand that viewpoint and I respect it, but he wasn’t religious. I want to know how the relationship would’ve turned if he were Catholic like me, if we were to go Mass together, pray the Rosary together, go to Adoration together. I want to know how that might end.

    I play violin in the LifeTeen band at my church. We were asked to play at a wedding of two former LifeTeen leaders at my parish. There, the priest, in his homily, talked about natural symbols, how sex is a natural symbol, eluding to the view that the aim to procreate is the only acceptable form of marriage (not sex. Marriage.) He then went on to state that the Eucharist is also a natural symbol, and that receiving it is a statement that you believe everything that the Church teaches and love both Her and her Creator. He stated that if you don’t, you betray the natural symbol of the Eucharist; you are lying to yourself and to the world. He then went on to state that the most profound instance of disobeying a “natural symbol” was when Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. Me, being me, took that instantly to mean that since I do not believe that being in a homosexual relationship is a sin, I am; therefore, Judas Iscariot. I went and sobbed in my car after the wedding.

    I also disagree with the notion that gay people should be referred to as “those with same-sex-attractions.” People state that saying “I am gay” completely cancels out the rest of your identity and your sexuality is the only thing left. That’s just not what happens. Saying “I am white” or “I am a violin player” or “I am a Catholic” don’t seem to do that, yet they are all “I am” statements. Saying any of those things don’t completely overshadow the person. So then, why do statements of homosexuality? I AM gay. It is an aspect of me, a part of who I am, I do not mean to say that the statement is the only part of my being, yet merely an aspect. So why then must the Catholics deny that aspect of ourselves, why then do they say “oh, we must remember the humanity of those people” yet many Catholic gays have said that they (including myself) feel more forgotten when “SSA” is used. I hate it. I am a white, gay, violin-playing Catholic. Saying, “a boy with same-sex-attractions,” doesn’t ensure that my humanity is remembered, nay, it ensures that a part of it is forgotten. If you desire that someone refer to you as someone who experiences same-sex-attractions, I would be extremely willing to respect you and refer to you as such. But if you dislike labels, get rid of all of them; refer to all people as people. You can’t just pick and choose.

    Finally, because I have a lot of U.S. history homework and this comment is becoming extremely lengthy, I have a question for any devout gay Catholic willing (or hopefully unwilling) to answer. IT IS A HYPOTHETICAL. Please, dear God, if you aren’t going to answer my question please don’t comment. If (HYPOTHETICALLY) the Pope made a (HYPOTHETICAL) decision to allow same-sex marriage within the doctrine of this (HYPOTHETICAL) Church, would you seek it? Many of you, who are attempting to live out your lives chastely would have to turn around and enter the dating scene, which, as most gays know, is kind-of…well…hectic (I live in Atlanta, go to Midtown at night, it’s “great”)… Please don’t respond to this with, *insert whine* “well, the Church will never allow same-sex marriage to be ordained by priests, it’s disgusting and they’re all going to hell, blah, blah, blah, whatever.” Please don’t do that. I want to know if a genuine gay Catholic, trying to live out their faith, would attempt to marry, still doing so chastely, if the Church allowed it.

    I’m gonna get a lot of hate (and love probably) on this comment. Please don’t respond with theology. Trust me, I know pretty much all of it. Don’t respond with a “God LOVES you post.” I’m aware of that notion, even when I don’t feel it; I certainly don’t need to hear it from someone whom I don’t know. I just want cold, sharp honesty and raw emotion. If you think that I’m some delusional faggot who is going to burn in hell if I ever step foot into a romantic relationship with another man, fine. Comment; just tell me why. NOTE: I also don’t believe that every bad thing happens with a reason, or that everything in life that isn’t joy should teach us something about ourselves. I believe that God lets us live, and the ones who run into his embrace are the ones who receive salvation (ie: don’t tell me that this is supposed to teach me something because that is folly). I know that some of those disclaimers are more Protestant belief oriented, but I need to be clear.

    I’ve just been pretty depressed this week. I had to lie to get out of my ex’s birthday party, failed a test and a lab, and my rehearsal on Saturday went awfully (and he was staring at me the entire time). I detest the idea of being single for the rest of my life, even if it means being more devoted to God, because I believe that I can have both.
    Thank you for reading down to here. You deserve a sticker.
    Sincerely,
    Judas Iscariot

    By Anonymous | 2 years ago Reply
  28. hi Richard…i will try to give my thoughts to the best of my capacity (english is my 3rd language, so…have mercy on the use of terms). i do think few things:
    1. gay acts are evil
    2. person with same sex attraction (or gay person if you prefer) are sons of god too and therefore called to holiness as all the human kind
    3. cahholic church (whtether you agree or not) has the true teachings much than any church (and is the only one to propose a way between those approving gay actions and those totally condemning the persons with same sex attractions) please check on this site: http://www.chastityproject.com a video named the third way…it’s testimonies of persons who once experienced gay sexual practices, and are now living a chaste life.
    4. calling “gay persons” to chastity is not a punishment (please read the articles of the catholic cathechese/teachings on it: 2337-2359)
    in fact we are all called to chastity (which is by the way different from and greater than abstinence).
    so let me call you brother of christ and these are my thoughts not trying to convince you but only sharing.
    if the church ever comes to recognize same sex mariage (which i think will never be because it will be going against bible itself =>meaning the devil will have won the war against holy spirit in that case, which i think is impossible) hope i will be against the church because of the first reason i gave ! ! !

    By Flo | 2 years ago Reply
  29. sorry the comment is not adressed to Richard but is directed to Anonymous questions’

    By Flo | 2 years ago Reply

Leave a Reply