I Didn’t Wait And Wish I Did: An open response to Samantha Pugsley

Recently I read an article entitled “I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And Wish I Didn’t,” written by a young woman called Samantha who was led to believe that sex—in all contexts—is “dirty and wrong and sinful,” and who ultimately lost her faith as she struggled to rebuke that lie. As I read it, I wanted to cry, then hug her, then hug all of the other young women who identify with the article or have been influenced by it.

Samantha talks about the purity pledge she made aged 10, which for years formed such an integral part of her identity as a woman and a Christian that even in marriage she couldn’t break free from the taboo it placed on sex.

I never made a pledge as a teenager. At my traditional, Catholic school we rarely talked about sex, and when we did there was no effort made to defend or even explain the Church’s teaching. I knew I was “supposed” to wait until marriage, but was never told why. Because I never heard about the true beauty of God’s original plan for sex, the conviction that I should wait never made it from my head to my heart, and so was easily destroyed by the message that sex was fine as long as I was “in love.”

Samantha’s story broke my heart because, whilst I was won over by the world’s lies with nothing to challenge them, she was fed even more dangerous lies in response. For her sake, and for the sake of every other person who has been fed the same lies, I want to challenge some of those revealed in her article…

“If I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn’t it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.”

The success of a marriage doesn’t depend on the past. It depends on the choice made every day to renew your commitment to your spouse. If my past determined my future, then I’d give up on marriage now to avoid heartache. But I believe that my future husband will love me for the person I am rather than the things I’ve done or will do. True love is a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church, which means it’s unconditional and selfless.

“Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfil my husband’s sexual needs.”

Chastity is not, as Samantha feared, a concept “used to control female sexuality.” It’s a way of life which both men and women, married and unmarried, are called to. If sex is a tainted word before marriage, that won’t change on the wedding night. In a relationship that’s built on mutual respect and honor, both the man and the woman can see each other with the dignity they’re entitled to as human beings, rather than as tools for self-satisfaction.

“I couldn’t figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time.”

Sex isn’t a game invented by people on a whim centuries ago. It was designed by God at Creation. The Church isn’t saying “NO” to sex, it’s proclaiming a resounding “YES!” In its intended context, to be sexual is to be religious, because it’s the embodiment of God’s original plan for the self-giving love between a man and a woman.

“It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church.”

My body belongs to neither me nor my Church. It was created by God, in the image of God, for the purpose of glorifying God. It’s a “temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor. 6:19), and I’m its steward. If you possessed a jewel of infinite value, would you not go to great lengths to protect and honor it? Your body is more valuable than any jewel. It’s precious and beautiful, not an object whose ownership can be fought for.

Samantha ends by saying if she could go back she would “have sex with (her) then-boyfriend-now-husband,” implying she sees that as the solution to the problems raised since. From experience, I know that that mindset doesn’t end as blissfully as it sounds, but instead can lead to heartache and regret—particularly if the then-boyfriend doesn’t turn out to be the now-husband. My own choice to pursue purity was made a decade later in life than Samantha’s, after living the life she says she wishes she had lived and realising the flaws in it. It wasn’t a submission to the pressure to be a “perfect-Christian-girl”—as Samantha felt—but rather a humble response to the realisation of the mistakes I’d made, and the overwhelming steadfastness of God’s love and forgiveness through it all.

So, to Samantha and all the other girls I cried for and wanted to hug, I want to apologise for the lies that you’ve been told, the guilt you’ve been made to feel over “sins” that haven’t even been committed, and the ways God’s great plan for your sexuality has been hidden from you. I want you to know that the decision to remain chaste is not an enforced one, nor does it stem from guilt and shame. It’s a reflection of your dignity as a human being and your respect for the person God created you to be.

Whether you waited for marriage, are waiting, or haven’t waited, there is both strength and redemption in Christ.

______________________________

Esther Rich 2Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

45 Comments

  1. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for writing this. ❤ †

    By Krystle | 2 years ago Reply
    • Thanks

      By Evans | 2 years ago Reply
  2. Absolutely beautiful. thank you for this. As a young woman (i’m 21) I’m glad to be waiting. Reading things like this written by other women who sharing a way of living following Christ´s steps I feel comforted and not alone. It’s hard to practice purity and chastity in a society that show us all the way around, but it worth it. Thank you again, and God bless you.

    By Fernanda | 2 years ago Reply
  3. thank you for wonderfully explaining profoundly. God bless you!

    By Maien Clarino | 2 years ago Reply
  4. Thank you for writing this. I remember reading that article and getting angry over the lies she had been told and had believed. I’m 15, a sophmore in highschool, and, even though I attend a Catholic school, it’s very hard to be pure and chaste in a society that promotes “good sex” before marriage. I have a boyfriend who’s 17, but, fortunately, he is a Christian man who shares the same views on sex as I do. These articles encourage me to keep waiting. I love reading these articles and sharing them with many of my friends to encourage them to wait, as well.

    By Karla | 2 years ago Reply
  5. Great article! When I read the previous article by Samantha, I was saddened because I know so many girls who think the same way about chastity. Now there is an eloquent and beautiful response for them. Thank you for writing this article.
    Another note: we don’t often address those girls (myself included) who have made a mistake and then (rightly) wanted to come back and practice chastity. For those women I want to say – not only to value yourselves (and remember that virginity does not give you worth) but also value sex. Too often the emphasis is on virginity and once that is “lost,” sex no longer seems to matter. Sex does matter. One or two or three or however many mistakes does not devalue sex. So let’s get back to God because even if we don’t believe in our own dignity, He knows we’re His.

    By Emily | 2 years ago Reply
  6. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    By Sydney | 2 years ago Reply
  7. This is a great post. Thank you so much for sharing!! I’ll keep these lines in my heart:
    “In a relationship that’s built on mutual respect and honor, both the man and the woman can see each other with the dignity they’re entitled to as human beings, rather than as tools for self-satisfaction”
    “I want you to know that the decision to remain chaste is not an enforced one, nor does it stem from guilt and shame. It’s a reflection of your dignity as a human being and your respect for the person God created you to be.”

    By Mariel | 2 years ago Reply
  8. I remember reading that article thinking how badly Samantha missed the beauty of chastity. It was sad to read. This is such a marvelous response!!! Thank you Esther!

    By Jonathan | 2 years ago Reply
  9. I believe my girlfriend’s mother has the same view on sex that Mrs. Pugsley has… and it ended that she, altough very religious, NEVER told her daughters (she has no sons) to wait. And my girlfriend suffered a lot because of this.
    Thanks for sharing this lesson with us.

    By Marcos Torres | 2 years ago Reply
  10. Esther, thank you for this article! As a 19 years old college student I understand the confusion and also the beauty of chastity people go through. God is wonderful and as long as we trust in Him, we are safe.

    By Sarah | 2 years ago Reply
  11. Great things you wrote here! Most christians just don’t realize that chastity is not something mandatory “perse” but for love.

    By Daniel Cevallos | 2 years ago Reply
  12. Thank you so much for this post! I read Pugsley’s article a few months ago and was very distressed by the message it was sending. Not because she is bad but rather because of the terrible misinformation she encountered. I am so thankful for this response. It captures all the beauty in purity that Pugsley missed out on when she was growing up.

    By Mimi | 2 years ago Reply
  13. Hi! First, I just wanted to thank you for getting clear messages out to young women. I love scrolling down my Facebook timeline and seeing your articles. Secondly, I felt the same as Samantha did up until I read this article. I have always thought of sex as a major no-no. I lost sight of it’s intended beauty, which is easily done in today’s society. As a senior in high school, I worry about staying chaste after entering college next year. I sometimes fear that there wont be a guy in college who respects my choice to wait. At times I have thought about changing my views, but everytime, I remember your advice and your regret. So, I thank you for reminding us all of not only God’s intent for sex, but for keeping us girls on the right track!

    By Mariella | 2 years ago Reply
    • You go, Mariella! As a current college student, I can tell you it may not be easy – depending on where you go. But your friends make all the difference in the world. I encourage you to really surround yourself with solid people so you can build each other up, not put each other at risk of falling.

      It used to be hard for me to imagine why people get into sex, drugs, and alcohol, but now I realize that if I were under different circumstances it would not be hard for me to make that choice as well because I’m not a better person than them. Making sure to surround yourself with the right people will help, and pray like nobody’s business. God will give you the grace to get through whatever he sends your way!

      By Laura | 2 years ago Reply
  14. Thank-you!!! Preach it! I’m 21 and am waiting as well. I took a vow when I was younger, and my parents have always preached this to me. It is hard when you see everyone else doing it before marriage, but I am excited for this sacred gift to give to my husband one day. It doesn’t mean you’re a goody-two-shoes or the holiest girl on the block; it just means that you know God’s Word and are respecting it! Thank-you for writing this article so that girls are not strewed away by media, but yet brought closer by what the Word has said, by what God has destined sex and love to be.

    By Rebecca | 2 years ago Reply
  15. Thank you so much for a wonderful explanation. Many girls were hooked up by unclear plead of Our Faith. God called us to be holy. Reconcile. And repent. Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit we should cherish it. And protect it. Praying and above all the Holy Mass is the best weapon.. I, myself, made a wrong choice. I envied them you. Im always asking for Our Lady s help. For protection and purity.

    Thank you so much! God bless

    By Rain Oboza Tivar | 2 years ago Reply
  16. And that was the best way to respond to Samantha Pugsley 🙂 Congrats and thank you Esther Rich for that write up 🙂

    i wish to add this –
    To the general saying “loosing virginity at wedding night” or “waiting to loose virginity till marriage” is a misunderstanding i guess 🙁

    when we think with the love of Christ we can see that nobody is “loosing virginity” by sharing their body with their spouse 🙁 instead they fulfill the meaning of the word and takes it to the next level of “virgin and glorious couples” . “Loosing virginity” has got some negative meaning i guess and especially when it is used with wedding 🙁 Sorry if i am wrong and thank you once again for the write up 🙂 God bless +++ 🙂

    By Matt pratt | 2 years ago Reply
    • The secular world has taken hold of the discussion of what sexuality is about, allowing for all sorts of interpretations but the one which is the most precious; that of a committed marriage between a man and a women where life is always a possibility or where the marriage union reflects life affirming principles. That is why I like your next level description of “glorious couples”. Articles like this help us to see both the difficulties young people face and the joyous realities both the young and old couples can embrace through fidelity to a union with one another and with God.

      By Vinny Licitra | 2 years ago Reply
  17. Thank you for writing this, I read Samantha’s article and was very saddened by what she wrote. I felt sorry for her misconception of living chaste life. This needed to be written and read. I hope she will read it as well and seek counseling or spiritual guidance. Blessings.

    By Mikaela Greeven | 2 years ago Reply
  18. Everyone please remember to add Samantha to your prayers. She went from one distorted view of sex to another, and is in need of healing.

    By Stephanie | 2 years ago Reply
  19. You’re amazing! Thanks for your article! God bless you

    By Alice | 2 years ago Reply
  20. I’m 18. And when I read that past article I felt like no one had faith in me and no one waited and I was a prude for waiting. This article opened my eyes and now I know the truth! I can’t thank you enough!

    By Torri | 2 years ago Reply
    • You are never alone, Torri. Even when it’s hard to remember (because I feel alone sometimes too, even at a Catholic college), know that there are so many people out there cheering you on! I have faith in the goodness of our generation, and think it’s beautiful to see the response of people who have seen the truth. God bless you for your commitment.

      By Laura | 2 years ago Reply
  21. may your article touch many hearts.
    Chastity is practiced not because of fear of being rebuked if not done , but practiced out of love for our God.

    By Elainemd_od@yahoo.com | 2 years ago Reply
  22. Thanks Esther, this is such a beautiful response!

    By Claire Wright (Life With Open Arms | 2 years ago Reply
  23. Thank you for the thought provoking article. It’s one of the best ones I have ever read. I wish all young people had a chance to read it. There is so much pressure to live with a boyfriend before marriage. I read somewhere that 80 percent of couples who live together before marriage end up divorcing. Not good odds.

    By Marilyn Harman | 2 years ago Reply
  24. There’s a lot about this article that I loved, even though I don’t share the same views, but there are some things I disagreed with that I thought I’d share because there are so many young women out there who have similar questions as shown in the comments. I feel like this article is a bit of a stark opposite of the last article – someone who waited but wishes she didn’t, this one is someone who didn’t, but wishes she had. Mine – I waited a long time, but not till marriage, and I married the man i first slept with. I agreed with everything in this article except the last one that shared that “It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church” is a myth. It’s not – and it’s this guilt complex that it’s a myth that hurts so many women. Here’s the thing: I waited a long time – longer than many women this day and age – and I’m really happy that the man I married is the only man that I’ve slept with – it’s as though we share this secret that no one else does but us. However, dignity to yourself, to how God created you, that comes from making a decision about your body that is yours alone. For some women, feeling dignity to herself IS believing that your body belongs to you, your church and your God. And if that is the case, that’s wonderful and you MUST honor that, because if you don’t, you’ll always feel like you’ve lost something you wanted. But for other women, what you and what you think your church wants are often at odds. After having sex, I didn’t feel any less devoted to God or to myself than I did when I hadn’t had sex, and if anything, I felt whole because I knew myself more. I grew up thinking that sex was an enormous, intimidating, and scary thing that I’d ultimately have to do because everybody was doing it. But after having done it, I realized it wasn’t, and it’s amazing to me that there’s so much pressure for women to either abstain or to do it earlier than they’re ready to. First off, sex isn’t scary; it’s the most natural thing in the world to do. And second, sex is personal. It will only feel right if you’re ready and you want it – and you’ll only want it if your conscience, your morals (your church and your God), and your desires are aligned around it. I didn’t become a new woman after having sex, my partner and I didn’t suddenly love each other more because of it; it was just another way of expressing our love, and it felt and continues to feel right because we believe and feel that it’s right.

    Yes, whether or not you choose to have sex before marriage, your partner – if he’s the right one – will and should honor that decision. And you will be no more and no less pure for that decision.

    By Maria | 2 years ago Reply
  25. I too read Samantha’s article and found it so incredibly sad! I have been lucky enough to have been taught the truth and beauty of sex from a pretty young age! Thank God for people like you who are willing to preach the word of God about this misunderstood topic! Your response to Samantha couldn’t have been any better!

    By Jessica | 2 years ago Reply
  26. Thank you so much. This is everything I was thinking when I read that article for the first time but couldn’t find the right words to sum it all up. This was wonderful.

    By Kristine | 2 years ago Reply
  27. Thanks for writing this truthful article Esther.

    I think that if Samantha had ‘not-waited’ and had sex with her ‘husband-to-be’, she would most likely have felt even more disgusted with her actions because in her mind she had all the wrong ideas about sex and love itself.

    She would have felt even more worse, because sex first-of-all would make her feel like she had done something ‘dirty’ and then she’d probably begin to think it was because she didn’t wait to get married, and that would be an additional regret.

    On the other hand, if she didn’t attribute her negative sexual experience to ‘not-waiting’ before marriage, she would try to find out why she felt dirty and by God’s grace if she were to come to the knowledge of the truth that it was because she had got it all wrong; that sex was a beautiful gift, where spouses give themselves to each other in love, she would wish she had known this truth earlier. Then she’d have waited with all her heart.

    Only the truth about love could bring joy to Samantha. And by God’s grace I hope she’s received and understood that truth. May God bless her marriage.

    By LP | 2 years ago Reply
  28. Thank you for writing this I Remember reading about Samantha.

    By Annay | 2 years ago Reply
  29. i dont quite agree with the point of view on which you wrote about this.there are some good ideas but i dont quite agree with some ideas hope to hear from you soon.i will write too.

    By emma | 2 years ago Reply
  30. Surely as both you and Samantha had mutually exclusive, internal experiences neither of you can have any genuine insight into the other’s situations and what would work for the other? It’s lovely to explain what you believe regarding your religion and your sexuality, and giving what is probably useful advice to other ladies of a similar mindset as an alternative to what she said, but extending that to commenting on what she has written in the way you have (implying objectivity about an inherently subjective matter), is IMO, lacking in real empathy and highly highly presumptuous

    By Jac | 2 years ago Reply
  31. So you want to empower women by telling them they have no right over their own body but are merely protecting it for someone else? I advise you check on the definition of empowerment.

    By A Disgruntled Feminist | 2 years ago Reply
  32. Thanks for this article. I did not read the original article that you addressed in this post, but your insights do a good job of responding to some issues and misconceptions that some “feminists” have about sex, purity, and religion. Many “feminists” that I have encountered view empowerment as strongly correlated with sex and the freedom to have sex with whomever and whenever. They feel that they are reacting against a religion’s ideology of women as the secondary sex whose sexuality is merely for men. They almost always make the quote that you mention: “the Church doesn’t own my body!”

    While there are “religious” individuals who may corrupt the true intentions behind spiritual guidelines regarding sexuality and, as a consequence, use shaming, abuse, and other forms of disempowerment, the spiritual reasons for such guidelines are actually empowering in themselves. How? True empowerment comes from aligning all your activities with the Will of God, whether it be acts charity, worship, or sex. Regarding sexuality, such guidelines elevate what could be merely profane, to the Holy. They help one transcend living as a mere sensory organism, to “becoming” the spiritual being God intended.

    I see so many women turn to promiscuity as an expression of their empowerment. They equate the fleeting pleasure of sexual stimulation with true pleasure; but it never lasts. Just as an alcoholic always needs another drink, and eventually more to elicit the same physical effect, the promiscuous person, or even sex addict, is anxious for the next “hook-up,” and/or all sorts of kinky devices and activities to push such fleeting sensations even further. In the meantime, sex becomes increasingly distant from the heart and certainly from God. They dissociate from their bodies, severing God and the Heart from an important act that was designed to be an expression of the Heart. Gee, how “empowering.”

    Anyway, I hope my post is not too much of a digression, but disenchantment with purity and spirituality, along with a warped sense of empowerment, has many unfortunate consequences. I think your article helps to dispel certain misunderstandings about the true spiritual intentions behind sex-guidelines.

    By Miriam | 2 years ago Reply
  33. Thank you for this beautifully written entry.

    By Anjelina | 2 years ago Reply
  34. Beautiful! I loved the compassion that lead every aspect of the article, including some of the clarified points the author made.

    Romans 12:1-2: I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

    By MFields | 2 years ago Reply
  35. We are surrounded with lies…lies that broke our hearts…lies that damages us…but I know, only in God I can find the truth.

    By Merry Gene | 2 years ago Reply
  36. Tnks esther for d reply to samantha.Sex is worth waiting for and I believe she(samantha) never had a personal encounter with Jesus to know what it means to b chaste for both men n women it serves u a whole lot of problems.

    By shekinah glory | 2 years ago Reply
  37. I love the way you put it. I am not a religious person, and I understand there is a lot of conflict between traditional Values and the new age beliefs. One thing that I understand is that Love has nothing to do with sex, It’s selfless giving, Understanding, accepting, being patience and being free. Those who fight desire against all odds ends up becoming strong. Desire is a weakness, and it doesn’t originate from the light, same as the forces that drive people to self destruct and do things that go against the consciousness of the heart. The meaning of Love and relationship has been abused, same as when it comes to sex that people barely understand it’s origin. I wouldn’t say or agree the primary Purpose of our existence is to procreate. That law was given to Adam, and those who follow the law are bound to that generation, but they will never look up to the truth. For one cannot serve the law and the truth. In Law there is defilement, but in truth there isn’t. I spend my time trying to seek and understand life, and with time I learned that I do not have to marry or have a family, and that doesn’t mean I have to whore myself or let the forces control me. In the Gospel of Mary, and others Christ Urged his disciples to resist womanhood (The desire to Procreate) and become Male spirits. Took sometime for me to understand this. I think the most important of all things in the world is to first find out who we are, where we come from and how. A belief that we are created in the image of God is a myth, with a few truths in it, but I would quote what Christ said “That which has form is a creation by another”. Our image doesn’t make us special. In every human there is light to guide them, find that light.

    By James | 2 years ago Reply
  38. This article made me want to cry for several reasons. However, unlike the many people who patted you on the back, my own is less generous. Neither your having had premarital sex or studying psychology qualifies you to comment much less give advice vis-a-vis scripture to young women who have discovered the horror and tragedy of their lives, laid to waste, by the outcomes of these so called “purity pledges.” Far from being a divine anything, these pledges are the most demeaning and objectifying actions a young girl can be coerced into performing. A purity pledge simply reduces a young girl who was a living breathing human being into one thing, chattel. A piece of property to be kept in “mint” condition until the right buyer comes along. It is the America version of the hajib. You are fortunate to have had the opportunity to experience some life even if the guy turned out to be a douche. Its where you might have gained insight and some maturity if you had been a stronger or more insightful individual. The brutality of fundamental restrictions on girls and young women who haven’t married leaves many of them emotionally and psychologically scarred for life. The truth is you cannot indoctrinate girls and young women into mental and emotional sexual castration then expect some miracle on their wedding night or any night thereafter. I would strongly counsel you to seek more supervision and counseling regarding both your ignorance and arrogance on this topic.

    By Shar | 2 years ago Reply
  39. Thanks for your thoughtful and compassionate reply, Esther! I’m VERY skeptical of Pugsley’s article. Here are a few of my notes on it.

    1. No way I would have allowed a 10-year-old in my True Love Waits program. That would be sick.

    2. Her church was (reportedly) incorrect about a couple of Baptist doctrinal matters. ANY sin will send one to hell, if it isn’t covered by the blood of Christ via belief in the risen Savior. While this certain-sins-will-send-you-to-hell doctrine is a common perception, it is not a sound doctrine taught by many denominations, and especially not Baptists. Either her church was wrong or her perception of her church’s teachings is.

    3. True Love Waits (the program I used for my youth groups) does not teach that a wife must fulfill her husband’s sexual “needs,” and that’s that. On the contrary: it teaches that a wife AND a husband fulfill each others’ desires. “Complimentarianism.”

    4. If sex is perceived as a “need,” then there are 12-step programs for that!

    5. It is not “the Baptist Church.” Since it is congregational, every church is where “the church” ends. Anything connecting the individual churches is an “association” or a “convention,” etc. So “the Baptist churches” is proper as a plural noun. And what kind of Baptists are we talking about, here? Missionary? Primitive? Independent/Fundamental? Southern? Cooperative? Alliance of Baptists? Google each and you’ll find a wide variety, though the Southern Baptist Convention makes up maybe 1 out of every 3 Baptists in America.

    6. True Love Waits teaches that men are also to remain pure, too. And equally. The Bible does not set up different expectations.

    7. If she was taught a guilt-based system in her church or at home, then no wonder she left abstinence and the Christian faith! No one should live that way. Though this is too common (contrary to my second point) it is nonetheless an incorrect way to teach righteous living. Instead of wondering if a certain act will condemn her, she should be wondering how her questionable action would affect her loved one and society in general. That’s a love-based approach that marks successful churches. I’m saddened that she never learned this.

    8. As someone who waited for his wife (yes, you read that correctly — and I was 37) it does feel strange the first time. But this fades in time, and then it doesn’t feel as awkward. Duh, right? If she needed a therapist, then her issues are probably deeper than a youth abstinence program.

    9. If her “feminist husband” was “horrified” at the admission that she was allowing him to make unwelcome moves, then WHAT WERE THEY DOING FOR SIX YEARS? Lying to each other? I’m sounding the B.S. alarm on this one. They apparently were not being honest with each other the entire time (unless she’s lying).

    10. I’ll also sound the B.S. alarm that her “feminist husband” would have waited until their wedding night to have sex, or that he would have stuck around for six years in a sex-less dating arrangement. I don’t know many abstinent feminists, unfortunately. This doesn’t line up with reality, in other words.

    11. Not a lot of conservative Baptists these days call themselves “religious.” They tend to despise the label for whatever reason. They’re prone to say “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.” But I don’t expect a liar to go into this much detail to craft her narrative.

    12. How would having sex with her then-boyfriend (a feminist, remember?) be any different than having sex with her husband? I mean, if she was taught abstinence at 10, then the only way this would have changed is if she had sex at 9! Think about it …

    13. “Appropriate age?” She had to have been 17 by my count (unless they had a quick engagement and she took her pledge right after her 10th birthday). That’s legal and quite common in my part of the world, but it’s probably best to at least give college a shot, first. True Love Waits, as an example, encourages waiting at least until after high school to get married, and then discussing career goals.

    14. No one ever said “your body belongs to the church.” No one.

    15. No Christian denomination will kick down your bedroom door and monitor your sexual behavior. Teaching standards is not getting involved in your “business.” It’s morality.

    By Andy | 2 years ago Reply
  40. Wow! This is incredible. It is hard to believe you can take someone’s experience and invalidate it.

    I thought Samantha’s article was courageous and worthwhile. She was brave to find herself following this episode of brainwashing, and was lucky to be with a guy as supportive as she had, who embraced her evolution. I hope everyone reading this takes time to understand their own lives and experiences, including their bodies and their rights, irrespective of their belief in an external God who cares about every little thing you do all day and tallies up the good and the bad for 7 billion people, much like Santa (and is also often thought of as an old white hetero male).

    While I don’t think it’s necessarily a good idea for everyone to sleep with lots and lots of people, I do think it is a good idea to make your own choices and do what’s right for you. Gay or straight. If there is a God, He/She gave us thinking powers to question and challenge the notions we are fed as children. We can use this to become more conscious, fuller humans.

    The concept of chastity is at odds with considering women and men as equals. I recommend reading the Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti for a fuller analysis of how this works.

    Love and hope you find ways to express yourselves in the most true way to yourselves – to do justice to the wonderful bodies we have in this lifetime.

    By Onewoman | 2 years ago Reply
  41. SO SAD PLZ READ THIS THO. And i agree if you did it for someone else “church” then yeah if your identity was in being a virgin or not awwww 🙁 so sorry to hear. I pray that you would forgive yourself the people who tried to make u feel that way (maybe They didnt realize it) and know your identity is in Christ not in church or a man. ive heard sooo many beautiful stories. but yours was Heart Breaking. plz plz plz read this article.. i even only red the bold statments not every little line.
    im telling u the devil used that used what ever he could to bring u down. God didnt ment for that. thats the enemy. and im very sorry u felt like u lost something, as a man. i would want my wife to feel beautiful and as if she gained something.. IF my wife felt that way as a man i sure would not have had sex with her on my wedding night nor honey moon. i wish that was part of your story that That man would have been sensitive to you and waited for u to be ready not just because you joined together in marriage… marriage and expecially waiting like that is a dream to me… i never waited (im not married) but i have decided at 30 years of age. to surrender my heart to god and wait for my wife.. im doing it for Christ not for a stinkin church.. remember church is full of men and women who arent perfect just tryinng to change there heart and life for God. everyone makes mistakes PLEASE FORGIVE YOURSELF AND dont let satan use this to ruin your faith in God i pray healing for you and to hear good report.
    Marriage and sex in marriage is a BEAUTIFUL thing. that night the man should have waited and not in the dark… when my night comes i want to make sure my woman is hot and ready actually wants it.. if not ill wait idc if we married a year ill wait. and to see her beauty sensual it should have bbeen an amazing story my heart goes out to u
    I PRAY U EVEN SEE THIS.

    By Shawn | 2 years ago Reply

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