Sex and Forgiveness

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I grew up Catholic but never truly knew Jesus until high school, when I began attending youth group and Bible study. Jesus became my everything, which is exactly how it should be. I stumbled often, but realized that even though we mess up sometimes, He always forgives. He loves us with a love that knows no bounds. This was one of the many messages I came to know through youth group, but as I soon learned, the real learning comes outside of the “safe spaces”—those spaces where you’re surrounded by people who believe what you do.

College was tough, especially because I was now on my own and my decisions were truly my decisions. I transferred back home after three semesters and that’s when the true learning began. I became a youth minister with the same youth group I had been involved in when I was in high school. It was easy to connect with the teenagers because I knew several teens who had been in youth group when I was, and I was close in age to all the teens.

I soon reconnected with this guy I had met when I was a senior in high school. We became best friends, and it wasn’t long before people were asking if we were dating. After some prayer together, we decided to begin a relationship. We were two of the “good ones,” the ones who were involved in the faith and were on the right track. We weren’t just going through the motions. But when emotions aren’t controlled, anything can happen. We broke one of the “no no’s” of the faith: we had premarital sex.

At the time, I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to stop. I felt that my boyfriend loved me, and so I didn’t feel that bad. I “knew” that we were going to end up together, so that made it okay. Still, I felt too ashamed and afraid to tell anyone, because I felt as if I’d be judged. I went to confession, but the guilt never subsided. The things that sex made me feel were the things that I didn’t feel otherwise. For example, sex made me feel desired and beautiful. But at the same time, I felt unworthy of being loved and accepted at Mass because I knew I had committed a mortal sin.

He and I broke up after seven months, and I broke down. The part that most affected me about the breakup was realizing that I wouldn’t be able to give my virginity to my husband. Another thing that hurt was knowing that he doesn’t—and possibly never did—love me, despite the fact that he said he did countless times. Even though Christ had forgiven me in Confession, I couldn’t forgive myself. I wanted to tell someone else. Telling my closest friends was the hardest part, but thankfully they were understanding and loving as well. They helped me to heal and grow, and I am forever grateful for that.

I would be lying through my teeth if I said that I now feel okay because God forgives. He definitely does, but the guilt still weighs upon me. The emotions and thoughts run through my head constantly—did he ever love me? Will I ever love again? Was I not enough? What is this “love” thing I’m always hearing about it? Does it exist? I’m always learning and healing, but I have to trust that God has a plan for me. While I don’t know what that is right now, I have to have faith and know that this experience happened for a reason. He has a plan that is sure to be beautiful, and I am learning to slowly trust it because He is the Ultimate Love.

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Anonymous

15 Comments

  1. thank you for sharing. This is truth and beautiful. It is so hard to forgive ourselves…me too.

    By Tracy | 2 years ago Reply
  2. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t say that I relate to your story, but when you say God loves us no matter what and for that he will always forgive us if he ask him too is so important for us to understand. Also, you said you’re wondering if love exist or if you’ll ever love again…well, you love God and that’s already a big step in forgiving yourself and loving.

    By Gloria | 2 years ago Reply
  3. Today I was praying before the blessed sacrament and talking to God about my past relationships and possible future ones and the one word that I kept hearing was “PEACE”. If we trust in him, he will always bring peace to our lives no matter what sins or experiences we have encountered. He is an encounter that will bring about nothing but peace.

    By Zeus Sumra | 2 years ago Reply
  4. I needed this and didn’t even know it. Thank you.

    By Natalie | 2 years ago Reply
  5. I needed this and didn’t even know it. Thank you.

    By Natalie | 2 years ago Reply
  6. Thank you for this.

    By Charlotte | 2 years ago Reply
  7. God bless you for sharing this. It looks like God’s doing with this what He always seems to do- using it for good. Look at all the people you’ve already helped by writing about this!

    By GiannaT | 2 years ago Reply
  8. Hey, maybe this will help you as much as it helped me: one day, during a mission, our leader explained something about confession that I didn’t know: if God forgave me, who am I not to do so? I know it’s hard to do that, specially when we have screw it up badly (and when I say badly I’m not thinking about you, but me), and she explained that it’s a big act of selfishness not to forgive ourselves because it’s like saying “I was supposed to be perfect, and I can’t stand no to be”. We can only become perfect with His grace and help, not with our own efforts or struggles. It’s a big act of humbleness to forgive ourselves, and a big one of selfishness not to do so. Ask God the grace of humbleness to forgive not only those around you, but yourself. (Sorry for my English, I’m not a native speaker). God bless you.

    By Cristina | 2 years ago Reply
  9. I know how you feel because I’ve gone through the same…thanks for sharing. And please be sure He is taking care of you and your story

    By Carol | 2 years ago Reply
  10. Thanks for sharing. Our Dear Lord bless you now and forever.

    By Jorge | 2 years ago Reply
  11. It’s 2015.. You all need to chill.. No one cares about the V card anymore.

    By A | 2 years ago Reply
    • Wrong. I do.

      By Jeanne Beutler | 2 years ago Reply
      • Thanks for sharing this…same thing happened to me and I care too.

        By maria | 2 years ago Reply
  12. In today’s reading, Jesus quotes Isaiah’s prophesies (Is 61:1) about himself. On that same song a few verses later (Is 61:3), you can find the quote: ” give unto them beauty for ashes ” He will make beauty out of Ashes, just wait and see. On that same note, this is one of my favourite songs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWyjHnwyZ7U

    By Tesi | 2 years ago Reply
  13. Thank you for sharing! You’re so strong and such a beautiful sister in Christ with a beautiful heart. Learn to love yourself as God loves you.

    By Kathleen Maloney | 2 years ago Reply

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