10 Tips to Stay Chaste

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Let’s face it, practicing chastity is tough. When the ache for affection and intimacy comes, it can draw us into places we never imagined: mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Here are 10 steps to help you remain chaste:

  1. Don’t Settle

I have to be honest; I have dated some not-so-good guys in my day. In doing so I came out hurt and jaded. Who you date is one of the most important decisions you will make. Don’t settle for “drama queens” or “adolescent boys”… You deserve God’s best.

  1. Stay Balanced

When cupid’s arrow strikes, it is easy to dive into the other person, or spend every waking hour of the day mentally stalking them.

We are made to worship. However, the challenge is not making an idol out of that person. Only God can complete us, so stay balanced. 

  1. Know Your Values

Chastity is a virtue and choice. We can’t just awkwardly shrug our shoulders when someone asks why we are choosing to stay chaste. Know why it’s important to wait.

  1. Choose your friends wisely

We all need a support team. If you have played any team sports, you know that the only way to defend against the opponent is if you have teammates who “have your back.” We need friends who slide tackle when the doubts come and block the punt when we feel like giving up. Find a friend and mentor to support you—be held accountable.

  1. Set specific physical boundaries

”I want to stay chaste” does not help when you have no idea what that looks like. Know your specific physical boundaries. Which leads us to the next point:

  1. COMMUNICATE those boundaries upfront

Talk to the person you are dating about chastity and specific boundaries. Before your relationship starts getting even remotely physical, you should talk about those boundaries.

Do not wait until you start making out to have the talk because you leave yourself open to fail in your endeavor to stay chaste. Set yourself up for success, so that you both are on the same page.

  1. Avoid temptation

Watching a movie under a blanket in the basement when your girlfriend’s parents are out of town is a bad idea. Spending the night at your boyfriend’s dorm room or apartment when you have been drinking is a recipe for disaster.

The journey to living chastity is about making choices that will allow you to live in freedom, not be enslaved to temptation. It’s important to know our limits. So avoid:

  •      Movies/ sexting/ flirting that sexually stirs you
  •      Using alcohol
  •      Late nights in tempting locations
  1. Guard Your Eyes

Scripture tells us the eyes are the window to the soul (cf Mt 6:22). So guard your eyes. If you struggle with pornography and/or masturbation, seek help. Chastity is about honoring your sexuality in all things: what you watch, listen to, how you dress, and talk. It is a way of living out holiness.

  1. Get up when you fall

The journey is going to have some bumps. Satan wants you to believe it’s too late and you can’t do this. If you have had sex, or given away that gift, it is not over. Just get up. Go to confession and keep your eyes on Jesus.

  1. Take courage

It isn’t easy out there. You will be put in situations that are uncomfortable. Friends will be talking inappropriately. Guys may be telling perverted jokes. Your group of friends may want to rent Fifty Shades of Grey next weekend and you will have to stand up for what you believe.  It is NOT EASY… but… it is worth it. You are not alone. You can do it…with Him.

  1.  Stay close to God

More than any attractive love interest, God wants to take you on a glorious love story with Him. He wants to stir your heart and bring you to freedom.  If you struggle with chastity, begin to fall to your knees and pray: Change my heart. You will hear God awakening you to new life, to a new desire, to love and freedom.

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Mary-BielskiInvolved in ministry for more than 15 years, Mary Bielski has spoken to over 100,000 teens, young adults around the nation at high school and college retreats and conferences, including Steubenville Youth Conferences, Life Teen Inspiration, LA Congress, NCCC, and parish and diocesan rallies. Using funny stories and engaging analogies, Mary draws her audience to the beauty of our Catholic faith, a deeper love for Christ, the Eucharist, and the call to holiness. For more information about Mary and her ministry go to www.marybielski.com.

33 Comments

  1. Thank you for this article! I have been struggling a little bit with chastity and this helped me remember why I believe what I believe, even though it can be hard sometimes. God bless you and your work!

    By Emily B. | 1 year ago Reply
  2. Love the articles about Chastity. What would you have to say for the generation of people that saving sex until marriage, but are still okay with foreplay in their relationship? Personally speaking, I believe more younger Christian couples are having to stay chaste for a longer period of time for financial and school situations etc. More Christian couples are more sexually frustrated and impatient because 2-5 years without any sexual between a person that you want to marry, is quite difficult to do.

    By Matthew Duarte | 1 year ago Reply
    • Although I definitely agree that it is hard for a couple to not have sex before marriage, I do not believe foreplay is the answer. Even though it is not “going all the way” it is still a form of sex. It is also important to keep in mind that this activity is meant to lead to full sex and so stopping can be tough and hurtful for both people. Instead of engaging in foreplay, there are numerous other pure things a couple can do together to show their love. For example, going on a picnic and walk in a scenic park. Perhaps cooking dinner together or going horseback riding could help the couple as well. An especially great way for couples to bond is through service projects and mission trips. Keeping busy and avoiding temping situations are two great strategies for staying pure. Saving sexual activity for marriage is also a wonderful way to show one’s commitment to the salvation and good of the other. It shows that you will have enough self control to thrive in marriage (which requires much of this skill). Even though it is extremely difficult for a couple to stay pure for marriage, the wait is worth it. In the long run, it will lead to a happier, healthier marriage directed towards the well being of the other. I also recommend seeing the article about oral sex under the dating category. Hopefully this helps!

      By O | 1 year ago Reply
  3. Well done . I needed those inspirational words.
    God Bless You

    By Therese Brady | 1 year ago Reply
  4. Great post! Very good tips. Thank you for all the work you do, and God Bless :)

    By Maria | 1 year ago Reply
  5. i struggle with this a lot, i think am addicted to musturbation and i really need help! i want to be chaste in every possible way.pliz help me

    By salvina | 1 year ago Reply
    • Check out the victory app, it’s really helpful! It helps you stay accountable and keep track of your progress. Confession is so amazing! From personal experience, I know how hard it can be to confess this, but the priest isn’t there to judge you. He’s heard it before from many others too I’m sure. God loves you so much and wants to heal you of this pain! Confession is an awesome way to receive this healing! Don’t be discouraged if you fall into sin again, many do. Just go back to Confession and try again. Pray, especially the rosary. Mother Mary is there for you. Also, check out Womenmadenew.com Remember that you are not your past and that you are worthy of love. God always loves you no matter what!

      By O.J. | 1 year ago Reply
  6. Thank you for this. While I don’t think cuddling under the covers while watching a movie is bad, this article has some hard hitting advice that I need to take home.

    By Cate | 1 year ago Reply
  7. At last some sane practical advice. Thankyou. I am 75, a priest, and still trying to stay chaste. It is not easy. Experience tells me you are 1200% right. For Castholics the rosary, Holy Comunion, visits to the Church, adoration, meditation…anything that binds us to Jesus. Stations of the cross…Only the love of God can keep us focussed…Srelf sdascrifice in little things…thankyou again…lgb

    By Laurie | 1 year ago Reply
  8. This is something I’ve been struggling with for a very long time. I haven’t had sex, but I still struggle with it mentally, physically, emotionally. Reading this, it’s close to the guidelines I’ve set for myself, and it’s good to just have another set with description to help solidify my fight with this struggle. Thank you for publishing this, at an especially difficult and demanding time, where I’m mentally more determined to help right myself.

    God bless!
    -Stephanie <3

    PS you have two #4's, so there's 11 steps to stay chaste?

    By Stephanie C | 1 year ago Reply
  9. Very Good Tips. Thank You so much. God Bless You

    By J.C. Romero Morales | 1 year ago Reply
  10. I have a big issue with this because it is COMPLETELY directed towards girls. Are the young boys of our society allowed to engage in permiscuous behavior while the girls must remain chaste and pure? This article would have been much better if it addressed adolescents on how to stay chaste. It’s frustrating that our world has a double standard when it comes to which gender must stay pure and which gender is okay to have sex.

    By Hannah | 1 year ago Reply
    • Although it does mention “girlfriend” once I believe the majority of this article has a tone that’s directed towards young girls.

      By Hannah | 1 year ago Reply
      • Hannah,
        I agree that there should be no double standard. Jason Evert, although he struggled, was a virgin when he married Crystalina. I’m sure that he would agree that the virtue of chastity is as much for men as it is for women. As women, we need to lovingly encourage men to be men, not laugh or roll our eyes at any crude jokes or repeat the mantra “Boys will be boys!” As Jason said, When a culture of ladies arises, a culture of gentlemen will follow. Let’s pray that we are given the right words to hold our brothers in Christ- and brothers in humanity- accountable.

        By Michelle | 1 year ago Reply
    • Hannah, just from a logical standpoint, if the girls remain chaste and pure, how will the guys be promiscuous? It takes two, right?

      That point aside, I agree this seems more directed to girls than it is to both sexes.

      I would include a paragraph about how it’s our duty as men to be leaders and to protect the virtue of the women who graciously let us into their lives. Of course, the other side of that is women have a role to play as well.

      This has long been a problem I have with chastity articles/books. Almost all are written from the women’s perspective. Especially when talking about “emotional chastity.” Guys are expected to follow the same rules, but no one is talking about them from the male perspective. And as almost every woman knows, guys don’t listen to women (sarcasm…sort of).

      By Bryan | 1 year ago Reply
  11. Making little sacrifices and offering them for your partner s chastity will keep this at the forefront of your mind and probably bring that desire to mind when other desires threaten to push it aside.

    By Terrance Insalaco | 1 year ago Reply
  12. What if your partner is not a Christian, but promise to marry u after college… is it ok to date him?

    By Anna | 1 year ago Reply
    • Did he ask you if you wanted to marry him? Have you discussed marriage?

      It doesn’t sound like you are sure where you stand. He hasn’t proposed, only promised that you will get married. They are two very different things. If his intention is not to marry you, then it will be quite clear to you. For me if someone said they promised they would marry me, rather than propose, I would be thinking twice about whether that is someone I would want to be with for the rest of my life.

      By CS | 1 year ago Reply
  13. Nice!

    By Billy Bob Joe | 1 year ago Reply
  14. This is gr8, M80

    By Billy Bob Joe | 1 year ago Reply
  15. I am separated from my husband, and keeping pure as a self sacrifice, but it has been 3 years, and every time he comes up, this need comes up, too.

    By Maria G. Villenas | 1 year ago Reply
    • Great work in staying pure! I have the same temptation, and I found that it is important th

      By Cory | 1 year ago Reply
    • I am sure it has to be tough.. Can I ask you a personal question ..after the separation to your knowledge is be being chaste ? I find it really interesting on how some men will just give in vs fighting their hormones.. Thanks

      By Maribel | 1 year ago Reply
      • No, he was never chaste. He left my daughter and me for another woman, and he lives with her. I am not chaste because he deserves to be honored, I am chaste because God deserves to be honored. In our marriage, if he did not honor God, I felt a need of double dose, to honor God, instead.

        By Maria Villenas | 1 year ago Reply
  16. Great work! You have done a very crucial thing in staying pure, and that’s no small accomplishment. I find myself struggling, but no doubt each day gets a little easier with prayer a closeness to GOD. That’s what everyone needs. Just know this day your story is encouraging, and your little sacrifice is awesome, and your in the palm of God’s hand. God Bless!

    By Cory | 1 year ago Reply
  17. I am not completely separated yet but am sleeping in separate rooms. It’s a long story, but we have been married for 13 years and it’s been rough. Now my issue is my husband keeps sending me text messages telling me how he “Needs me” if you know what I mean and it upsets me because he doesn’t bring up what working on our marriage which should be number 1 on his needs list but rather he is letting his hormones speak. We have already talked about what needs work yet this is all he comes back with. Not to mention he will come in my room before he leaves to work at 5am and tries to hug and kiss me, which I know exactly what he wants and makes it even more uncomfortable.. I have told him how I feel yet all he focuses on are his manly needs. Which really makes me think he doesn’t really care about the marriage but more on himself, which has been the problem throughout the marriage. He is now asking me what can be do because he is going crazy since he can’t be with me.. Again I have adviced him to talk to our priest , go to counseling etc.. But he won’t… I hope any one out that might be going thru this can shed some words of wisdom that I am pass on.. Again it’s a long story and I can say being a women of faith and holding the holy sacrament of our marriage very serious and close to my heart, have tried and forgiven many many times. And I am still willing to try but his ways and attempts have always been like a roller coaster , he does well then it’s spirals down without any real reason , at least to knowledge. I am considering a permanent separation if he doesn’t make a serious change.. Hope someone can shed some light .. GOD BLESS!!

    By Maribel | 1 year ago Reply
    • Hi, I think that you should read 1Corinthians7.3-6 and verse 14
      You can’t expect a man to think like a woman.That’s obvious, but it needs to be said. I believe he wants to fix up your mariage too, either way he would have quit and left a long time ago. Once you are married, you have to let your husband come to you, chastity is for unmarried people. This is why so many marriages are broken, because Satan uses sex (or the absence of it) to destroy the married couples from the inside. I think you should let him, and even try to enjoy it with him, as a married couple. It could be a good start to fix the rest of your mariage (once he gets it he may be able to think about something else…joking!)
      Talking to a priest would be like exposing himself (what he considers to be his weakness or his failures or his “problem”, depending on how you name it). He needs YOU to listen to him and to answer his needs. You are the only one to whom he can show this part of him, because you are married.

      By Nemo | 1 year ago Reply
  18. Thanks be to God, that he called you to speak to young boys and girls about chastity. It is still perceived as something impossible and misunderstood… I myself feel called to live a chaste life. I wish that there would be more movements like this one in Québec, Canada. May the holy spirit give you strength and courage to continue being a living light of hope for the next generations you are able to reach. God bless you Mary!

    By Filip | 1 year ago Reply
  19. Want stuff on chastity

    By Theophilus nkegbe | 1 year ago Reply
  20. Thanks for the article. It’s so nice to know we’re not the only ones struggling with this, especially in a world where chastity seems to be anything but the norm. I’ll be praying for y’all!!!!!!

    By Becky | 1 year ago Reply
  21. I really appreciate those tips to stay pure, because I really notice that I’m not the one who is into sex and all.
    But I’m upset that my family, the vessel who should most stand by my side, all state that practicing abstinence is stupid and impossible, also some of my friends who I have talked to. They say they accept my opinion on celibacy, but it’s disheartening to see that they don’t really support it. Anyone who could offer advice?

    By Yuna McHill | 1 year ago Reply
  22. Thank u for that and may God empower you with more words of encouragement.

    By Holy j.b | 1 year ago Reply
  23. Great blessed work. There is a great need of understanding the value of chastity in unmarried generation. Hope you will continue to enlighten the needy with the eternal grace
    of the LORD. Thank U.

    By simon | 1 year ago Reply

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