You are innocent, but you are not naïve.

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To all my single ladies and single gentlemen out there who haven’t done much dating (or no dating at all), there are 3 terms that I want you to familiarize yourself with, and be able to distinguish between.

  1. Innocent: “the state of being free from sin; a lack of guile or corruption; purity”
  2. Purity: “the condition of being free from anything that debases, contaminates, or corrupts”
  3. Naïve: “having or showing a lack of judgment, or information; unsophisticated; ingenious”

Chances are that you are going to be made to feel, more often than not, “naïve” for your lack of dating history; if you haven’t already felt this vibe from others. That’s because these three words above have gotten jumbled, and confused by society as a whole. We have come to think that being “experienced,” when it comes to the dating world, means being “mature;” and that a lack there of, means that: you never grew up, you are naïve, and even that you are less likely to find love. But I want you to realize something—you may be innocent, you may be inexperienced, but you are not naïve, nor are you immature.

When I was in high school I never dated anyone. I never met a man that inspired me to want to. I also had no interest in the “typical high school relationship” that was constantly the talk of the hallways and lunch tables. I saw dating as discernment for marriage—where you end in either heartbreak or wedding vows. So I wasn’t overly anxious to risk the latter with someone, if I saw no hope in the former.

This mindset definitely was the less common stance of people my age. It was much more common to think “just have fun” “treat it as practice” “do it for the experience” and “do anything to have a boyfriend.” And I mean why wouldn’t everyone think that? Look at any Ad, TV show, movie, song, conversation topic of a group of girls in the lunchroom, etc. . . and chances are there is some kind of romance or relationship aspect to it. We are basically trained to believe that the natural thing to do is to be dating, and therefore unnatural not to be. You sit and listen to your friends talk about the dramas of their exciting relationships, and begin to wonder if it will ever be your turn.

By the time I got to college and people found out that I had never dated nor kissed a boy, (gasp!), everyone looked at me as if I had two heads! Not exactly what you’re going for when you’re trying to fit in at a new school. The hook-up culture around me made it clear that is was considered an accomplishment to hold the “best kisser” award, or others like it—as if being prepared or “experienced” physically makes you much more likely to find love. If that was the case, I was definitely out of luck. I became even a little ashamed of my inexperiencedness and feared that if I told any man that I liked in the future—he would simply laugh and leave. (which proved to be very false, by the way)

So if this story is similar to your own, and you have ever felt any of these moments of belittlement, alienation, or fear regarding your relationship status, then let me now share with you what Christ taught me when I finally turned to Him in prayer. He shared in my burdens and as I felt them lift, I heard in the depths of my heart what I had forgotten…You are never alone. You are not forgotten. You are simply made for a love far greater than the one that this world is settling for.

Don’t be belittled into thinking you are single by default. I realized that if I really wanted to, I could get dolled up, find a college house party, and find some guy that would be with me. The problem is, that’s not love, and I knew it wasn’t what I truly wanted. He’d be using me for my body, and I’d be using him for “love”—neither getting what our hearts yearn for. This is an extreme example, but we do this any time that we are using another person just so that we are in a relationship.

Choosing innocence, by not engaging in the hook-up culture and holding out for a man or woman that you truly desire to discern with, is not anywhere close to the same thing as being naïve. You know exactly what it is that you are choosing to abstain from, in order to focus on a love that is worth waiting for. And pursuing purity in your life now, and in any future relationships, does exactly what the definition says above—it keeps the love in your life free from “corruption.”

So enjoy this time of singleness! Focus on getting to know the heart of Christ, and letting Him know yours. Focus on finding good friends; on exploring new places; on trying new things; on finding the right career path; on loving those around you . . . focus on enjoying life! If God has fashioned you for marriage, then He has already fashioned the person that will become your other half. When the timing is right He will bring you two together, and trust me—the right person will cherish your choice to wait and to strive for purity, as a priceless gift, not as a childish fault. We are made for a pure and total love, don’t let the world guilt you into settling for anything less.

________________________

Kaylin's Head ShotKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Bible study and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

29 Comments

  1. Kaylin, one thing that I admire on you is that, even being so pretty, you battled to just begin a relationship when it was worth. I imagine that you received a lot of invitations to hang out, parties and dates, however you always analyzed along with God if it was His plan to be with these guys. In conclusion, thanks for your courage to make this testimony and following God first, because everything else will be given in addition, for example, our heart mates

    Cheers from Brazil!

    By Daniel | 11 months ago Reply
  2. Great article Kaylin!

    By Nabil | 11 months ago Reply
  3. The beginning of this article describes my high school years perfectly. And I know I felt horrible at times for never having a girlfriend. Like there was something wrong with me. I still feel that way sometimes but it’s getting better. But when I meet my wife, I can almost guarantee that the people who were always dating in my high school will still be searching high and low for their someone special. That sounds mean but it makes me feel a little better :) I’m sure others can relate.

    By Matt | 11 months ago Reply
  4. I enjoyed this article very much, it’s true that the pressures of the world have pushed many into relationships just to be in the norm.

    By Nicky | 11 months ago Reply
  5. I agree with the other commenters here – thank you for such a great article Kaylin! I definitely relate and I am so glad to hear of someone else who has been through this experience as I felt exactly the same through high school and later as well, and I felt like I was the only one! I’m now learning more and more to patiently wait on the Lord… :)

    By Phil | 11 months ago Reply
  6. Great article!

    By Becky de la Torre | 11 months ago Reply
  7. Thanks so much for this article Kaylin!! I love it!!! Im single, never dated, i can really relate to the part where you said people looking at you like you have two heads lolz . Much love from the Philippines :)

    By Cynch | 11 months ago Reply
  8. Loved your article Kaylin. I can correlate myself. Thanks for sharing and encouraging more to believe that God’s palns are wonderful.

    By Jasmine | 11 months ago Reply
  9. Inspiring

    By Benedict | 11 months ago Reply
  10. Thank you for sharing the gifts God has given to you. This post is filled with wisdom and I pray will touch many, many hearts. AMDG.

    Joseph

    By Joseph Schuth | 11 months ago Reply
  11. Those are beautiful words! I don’t think I can call myself innocent, but I’ve never identified with the hook-up culture and was always the odd one out when it came to my friends. They have respected me for it, and I have respected myself more for saving myself for my future husband (if that is God’s plan for me). Stay strong; you are not alone!

    By Kristen | 11 months ago Reply
  12. This is such an inspiring piece. I’ve been struggling with this lately and I amust so glad that this was posted now instead of later I really needed to read this.

    By Rachael | 11 months ago Reply
  13. On #3, you mean “ingenuous.” “Ingenious” means the opposite.

    By Tina | 11 months ago Reply
  14. This was a great article and something I’d never thought about but definitely experienced- I have dated, but I definitely got a lot of comments because I hadn’t experienced doing anything physical, so how could I know that I wanted to abstain? Like I had to experience something terrible to know that it’s bad for me.

    By Jasmine | 11 months ago Reply
  15. This is exactly how I feel right now! Thank you for giving me another boost :)

    By Natalie | 11 months ago Reply
  16. Thanks Kaylin, it is always good to hear these truths. I got my first girlfriend when I was 29 (even though I’m a cute boy, they say :)), and all those years before that I was thinking there was something deeply wrong with me – I believed in the lies you described. Now I am about to get 33, the relationship is over for two years by now and I know no one who I see as a possible future wife. Reading your article remembered me of some basic truths. Thanks!

    Brazilian greetings!

    By leon | 11 months ago Reply
  17. yeap , you have a point …I enjoyed reading …thanks kaylin…

    By kim shane | 11 months ago Reply
  18. Thought this was a great article

    By Jessica | 11 months ago Reply
  19. Thank you…very inspiring article….felt the same as u wrote in the article…just keeping the faith and matching on… Amen

    By Larson | 11 months ago Reply
  20. Very inspiring… thanks God for your testimony. I feel really identificated, God wants true love for us.

    By Diann | 11 months ago Reply
  21. Thank you for this article! It inspires me more to live a life of purity while waiting for my one true love! God bless! :)

    By Stefanie Mary Sibal | 11 months ago Reply
  22. How old should you be to start dating, is high school ok?

    By emmy | 11 months ago Reply
  23. You are right.I am with you

    By Angle | 11 months ago Reply
  24. If I had a friend like you I should so happy and proud myself. Would you like to made me you friend!!!

    By Angle | 11 months ago Reply
  25. Thank you for writing this. I have been feeling naive lately and I was instantly drawn to your article because of the title. You did not disappoint and I feel better knowing that someone similar to me is waiting.

    By Carley | 11 months ago Reply
  26. This article is definitely what i need right now.. Feels better after i read this.. Hope’s high and true love is worth waiting for.. Thanks Kaylin! :)

    By Jesse | 11 months ago Reply
  27. I am 26 and have also never met someone who has inspired me to not be single. I have hobbies and a full life with many interesting people surrounding me. I am a strong character. I will remain single until I meet a man who inspires me to date him. only problem is, I don’t think he exists…, oh well!

    By Sakhile | 11 months ago Reply
  28. I met this beautiful girl at church and she’s very touchy-feely. How do I handle a situation like this?
    I feel like she was love at first sight.

    By Lawrence Sekishiro | 11 months ago Reply
  29. Kaylin, this is so refreshing to read. I was raised in a secular household and definitely had this mentality through my teen years. By God’s amazing grace, I was kept from entering relationships at that time, which would have possibly left some serious wounds (a blessing it took me many years to recognize). After my conversion, I learned that being single for a time is a gift. I grew so much and now I engaged to wonderful and Godly woman. God bless you for sharing this.

    By Jonathan Gillenson | 11 months ago Reply

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