Is chastity in college possible?

In a society that equates masculinity to number of sexual partners, I felt that I would be labeled as less of a man if I admitted that I was a virgin. Despite my anxiety, I still felt that saving sex for marriage was the right thing to do. I had learned about the virtue of chastity through the years, but deep down I still felt the tug from society to succumb to premarital sex and it reached a boiling point during my time in college.

I arrived at college in 2008. It was the first time that I had been confronted by promiscuity on a daily basis. My very first weekend at college, I realized that the main reason many guys went to parties was simply to “hook up” with a girl. While at one house party, I can remember a friend urging me: “Go talk to her,” pointing at a girl, “you probably wouldn’t have to work too hard to get her in your bed tonight.” I laughed, and tried to act cool but in my head I was thinking: “I don’t even know her name! I’m not going to kiss her let alone try to get her in my bed.” And this wasn’t an isolated incident… this routine played out frequently during my first couple years of college. The thing was, no matter how many girls I talked to or danced with, I just couldn’t shake the pit in my stomach whenever I thought about pushing it further. So I would go to a party, hang out with my friends, maybe dance with a girl, and then I would go home. Alone.

My friends probably thought I had no “game” but early on I realized that what I was searching for could not be found at a party. I wanted to find a woman who I could share my whole life with, not just my body. I didn’t want to live out Hollywood’s version of the male fantasy of endless no-strings-attached sex; I wanted to be the knight in shining armor.

And so I struggled through the clash of culture and conscience. I searched for women who could see through the lie of hook ups and one night stands—but it was difficult to find and tempting to ignore. I was starting to question whether I was wrong, whether the ideals I had in my head were even possible in today’s world. Maybe I was just as naïve as society painted those who pursue chastity?

Finally at the end of my junior year I met Jennifer, the woman who would eventually become my wife. From the moment I met her I knew there was something different about her. We were truly committed to chastity and we were in it together. As with most things in life, it was much easier for us to handle this challenge with a teammate who had the same goal.

Many of my friends still thought it was odd that Jennifer and I had never had sex after dating for three years. We had learned to express our love in other ways. I sent her hand written letters, brought her flowers for no special occasion, and planned dates that didn’t have any expectations attached. She knew that when I performed random acts of kindness I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to get her in bed, but because I loved her and simply wanted to make her happy.

Physical temptation will always exist whether you are single or married, but it takes a courageous man to save sex for marriage. Giving in to every sexual desire will leave you hungry for something deeper and more substantial. I have heard it from friends. One of my best friends once told me: “after I have sex with a girl, I feel dirty and when I go home that night. I feel something tugging on me that there is something more out there.” If you take charge of your desires and learn to channel them, you will end up with something beautiful, something that humans crave—true love.

Jennifer and I got married at the end of June 2014. I was glad that I could give myself freely, openly, without shame or memories of past experiences, and that we waited for the sacrament of matrimony to make us one. As we fell asleep on our wedding night Jennifer whispered in my ear “thank you for waiting for me.” Hearing those six words were worth more than any pleasure that the world could offer.

_________________________

jJeff Swierzbinski attended the University of Delaware and graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Political Science as well as Sociology. He is an active duty Army Officer stationed at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina where he lives with his wife, Jennifer.

 

22 Comments

  1. Well done Jeff. May God continue to bless you both.

    By Patrick | 3 years ago Reply
  2. Amazing story, bro!
    Wish happiness for the couple.

    By Marcos Torres | 3 years ago Reply
  3. I wish I could meet guys like you, Jeff. It’s so hard in the world we live in today, with pornography and random hookups. I wish the best luck for you and Jennifer. God bless you!

    By C | 3 years ago Reply
  4. That was awesome!!
    Wish all youngsters followed this 🙂 God bless you and your family and your loved ones dear 🙂 🙂

    By Matt Pratt | 3 years ago Reply
  5. I need this article so badly. Thank you. I’ve been caught up in the party scene a lot in my first year of college. I’m now a sophomore and am hoping to just better myself and this article really hit me. I want my future husband to wait for me, so I need to wait for him. Just hoping there’s more guys like you at my large university. Thanks again 🙂 if anyone has any tips to help me stay out of temptation this year of college please share 🙂

    By Clara | 3 years ago Reply
    • Clara, I would recommend spending your time with Godly people and not putting yourself in bad situations. This has helped me stay away from temptation in my first year of college, and I have also made some wonderful friends who have the same values I do. 🙂

      By Sara | 3 years ago Reply
    • One of the key things to do in order to ensure that you can save yourself for your future spouse is to remember your identity in Christ our savior. That is key. Many people who fall into the traps of pop culture forget who they are and sometimes don’t see the need to find themselves again. Something that has helped me hold on to my promise of waiting until marriage is a powerful quote from St. John Paul ll, and it reads “It is the duty of every man to protect the dignity of every woman.” Those words hit home for me and inspire me to be the best man I can be in every circumstance. So remembering who YOU are, and not becoming who society says it’s okay to be is the best thing you can do for you and your future spouse. Blessings!

      By bass_runner14 | 3 years ago Reply
    • Clara, remember that God knows and Loves you! While He is offended by sin, He sees and rejoices by the same measure at every instance we reject evil.
      Read “The Freedom of Sexual Love”, by Joseph and Lois Bird , (www.randomhouse.com). It radically changed my whole view of the true beauty of making love, and though I kinda knew about the whole thing of “saving myself for marriage”, only now can I really say the sexual relationship is actually sacred in my heart and not just con-sensuality that is only “justified” in marriage.
      Finally,
      “Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”,(Mt 5,10).

      By Gabriel | 3 years ago Reply
    • Clara, remember that God knows and loves you! While He is offended by sin , He sees and rejoices by the same measure every time we reject evil.
      Read “The Freedom of Sexual Love”,(www.randomhouse.com).
      It radically changed the way I viewed the true beauty of making love! Although I already knew all that stuff about ” saving myself for marriage”, Only now can I really say I know the beauty (and therefore, sacredness) of sex in my heart, and that it is not just con-sensuality that is only “justified” in marriage.
      Finally,
      “Blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
      for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.” (Mt 5,10)

      By Gabriel | 3 years ago Reply
      • Sorry! My IPAD doesn’t show my comments.

        By Gabriel | 3 years ago Reply
    • Keeping away from the physical acts and temptations of and toward sexual intercourse in the short term requires only a simple but forceful “no”. But to ensure that you are secure in yourself for the long term requires discipline and patience. It also requires that you cultivated a certain self awareness that is rare in our culture. This self awareness is, surprisingly, your sexuality itself. If I, a mere stranger, may be so bold I advise you to remember that you are a woman. That is your sex. The sexuality that encompasses this sex is that you are beautiful, desirable, powerful in the sway you hold over man, the crown of God’s creation, and the vessel of man’s creation. You are endowed with a deep rooted feminine intellect which makes you empathetic, clever, and all other virtues necessary both for giving good chase and fruitful family. The chase I referred to is the final and perhaps the most important element of your sexuality. You dress and behave and carry yourself in a way that attracts the kind of man that you want to marry. He gives chase, and you drag it out by playing hard to get. Imagine running through a forest. There is a man chasing you. Normally this would be creepy, but in this purely hypothetical situation you’ve made a deal with him. If he can catch you you’ll marry him. What he doesn’t know is that in order to catch you you have to consent to marry him. You are in complete control of the chase as long as your strength holds out. So your running through this forest, occasionally stopping to exchange banter with him. If he does things during this chase which is pleasing to you you pause and let him get a little closer. This is an important element of the chase. You are promising him later gratification…if he can keep up. If he loses interest that tells you what he was really after. If he does not lose interest but keeps coming and you come to love him then you stop altogether. The importance of this dance I have described is that it safeguards your sexuality from predators, instead putting it into the hands of one who will treasure and nurture it. I pray that God blesses your endeavor, and I trust that you will have a beautiful family, secure in God’s grace. Never forget that you are a woman, not a toy for little boys in the bodies of men to play with at their leisure. With knowledge of your sexuality comes both responsibility and a great deal of dignity.

      By Joseph | 3 years ago Reply
  6. Thanks for sharing your experience and especially for sharing your heart.

    By Beth Steury | 3 years ago Reply
  7. Thanks for writing this!

    By Brenda | 3 years ago Reply
  8. What a beautiful testimony – especially written from a man’s perspective. Thank you for your sharing and may God pour out abundant blessings upon you and your new wife!

    By Debbie | 3 years ago Reply
  9. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing!

    By Easter Almuena | 3 years ago Reply
  10. Thank you for wonderful article. Real Men Exist!! Woo hoo. There is hope for me. Praying for my true vocation. It is never to late to start over!

    By Flor | 3 years ago Reply
  11. wow. that is awesome my brother Jeff May God Bless you always tnx for the inspiration.

    By Michael ANdrew | 3 years ago Reply
  12. Thank you for such a beautiful piece. Chastity is definitely the way to go because it would make everything that much more beautiful in the end when you meet the right person and do other meaningful things to show your love and care for the person.

    By Grace | 3 years ago Reply
  13. Why to get marry?

    By Sebastian | 3 years ago Reply
  14. This is really awesome. Very inspiring. God bless you abundantly for sharing it with us.

    By JANE | 3 years ago Reply
  15. I wish girls would think this way as well im 21 all my friends think im not a virgin but everytime i say i am they laugh as if i had proof of going that far with a women. It sure is hard but i hope my future wife waited to.

    By Juan | 3 years ago Reply
  16. Anything is possible fellas, anything. Have a great day! God bless America

    By Chad | 3 years ago Reply

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