Four Secrets to Sexual Healing

I’ve always said that it’s possible to start over, regardless of the past. But what does that mean? It’s one thing to decide to start over, but it’s another thing to figure out what to do with the effects of the past.

You don’t just hear a riveting chastity talk and sign a fresh purity commitment card, and then everything is restored. What’s often unseen is the drawn-out process of untying the knots.

As many of you know, I was raised in a broken family, lost my virginity at the age of fifteen, and lived through abusive and unfaithful relationships. Some of my wounds were self-inflicted because of by my own poor choices, while others were inflicted upon me.

Before meeting my husband, I quit living my crazy lifestyle and began to practice purity. But what about the wounds of the past? I stuffed them. We women are masters at stuffing our stuff. We put our makeup on, buy a new wardrobe, and offer the world a big fake smile. But inside, we’re afraid to start crying because we’re afraid we’ll never stop. So, we numb ourselves with false consolations.

How do we (both men and women) stop running from the past and learn how to face it, own it, and heal it? Here are my four keys:

Go to counseling.

Most people feel embarrassed to seek professional help. We want everyone (especially ourselves) to think we have it all together. But we’ll never solve a problem until we admit that it exists.  Because I spent years of my life running from the past, my life became an intricate web of coping mechanisms. I began to identify with my brokenness, thinking that my tough exterior façade was my identity. Actually, it wasn’t me at all. It was the frightened girl who wanted to keep everyone at bay because she knew that vulnerability leads to pain. But this isn’t any way to live. It’s just existing. This isn’t how to thrive or glorify God. So, get over your fears and talk to someone who can help you to finally slay them. Go to womenmadenew.com or catholictherapists.com to find a counselor.

Go to the Eucharist

I knew that in my healing process, I could only go so far by myself. After many of my counseling sessions, I needed to process my thoughts and emotions. So, I ran to God in Eucharistic Adoration. I would pray, journal, and even cry in his Holy Presence. It was there in those quiet chapels that God was able to begin mending so many of my open wounds. With him by my side, I felt safe going into the dark places of my memories. It was scary at times to face them, but I learned that only Jesus could undo some of the things that had been done.

Find a good priest

Going to a counselor is essential if you’ve suffered serious emotional wounds. But a good priest is invaluable in the healing process as well because it can be tough to decipher what issues are emotional and which are spiritual. After all, human efforts alone can only accomplish so much. Because we have souls, we often need deliverance and divine intervention. We can’t expect the couch of a counselor to erase what needs to be healed in the confessional, and vice versa.

Find Fellowship

When you’re drumming up all the wounds of the past, the devil will try to rub your nose in them. He wants you to think that you’re just an unlovable, helpless, mess. At times like this, it’s essential to have family, friends, or some other support system that will accept you where you’re at, reminding you that you are lovable, even if you are a mess! Therefore, don’t try to heal alone.

If you don’t know a good friend, priest, or counselor who would stand by your side, pray that God would show you where to find them, so that they can help you to carry your cross. 

It doesn’t matter who you are or what has happened to you. All that matters now is where you go from here. As I once heard, “No matter how dirty your past is, your future is still spotless.”


crystalina

Crystalina Evert is the founder of Women Made New Ministries and the co-founder of Chastity Project. She is a best-selling author of the books Pure Womanhood, How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul, and Theology of the Body for Teens. Crystalina has spoken internationally to hundreds of thousands of people about the virtue of chastity, healing, and God’s plan for human sexuality. Women Made New encourages women in need of personal healing, empowering them to become the women God created them to be.

30 Comments

  1. I love the mission that you and Jason have undertaken. Keep up the great work. When are you coming back to Chicago?

    By Maria Greico | 2 years ago Reply
  2. Hi, I don’t know where to start. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know that I’m not alone. I’m not a perfect Catholic. I have struggled with making bad choices and getting hurt a lot. I don’t trust men. I will explain later.

    I actually attended Steubenville a while back when your husband was there. Its a small world. Please pray for me, I need it.

    Jennifer Fernandez

    By Jennifer | 2 years ago Reply
  3. Can’t thank you enough for all you do. Please keep me in your prayers because I would consider myself a mess.

    By Teresa | 2 years ago Reply
  4. Very nice! Thank you for this.
    Now, I want to share this article to a couple of friends but I’m not sure they’ll appreciate it. I am worried they might get. Any advice? thank you.

    By oni | 2 years ago Reply
    • I mean, they might get offended if I send this to them

      By oni | 2 years ago Reply
      • Maybe share it along with a little blurb about what it meant to you? For example, how you found this post to be interesting/helpful in your own life and thought it would be nice to share. I’d send it one-on-one.

        Basically, I would avoid calling (or heavily implying) someone is broken right off the bat, especially if you are worried that they won’t respond well.

        The most you can do is share your experience (with this post) and pray that they overcome their struggles (and that you will continue to be a good friend to them). God bless you!

        By Jo | 2 years ago Reply
    • If they have a facebook page, you could try sharing it on your page and hoping they see it. Really indirect I know, but at least you’re getting it out there.

      By GiannaT | 2 years ago Reply
  5. Thanks for these precious advices.
    Blessings.

    By Jorge | 2 years ago Reply
  6. Thank you Crystalina you were an inspiration to reflect on my life & start all over. I am taking the time to heal my wounds & praying for that special someone. 🙂

    By Flor | 2 years ago Reply
  7. how to have a good relationship with my boyfriend

    By crystal larry | 2 years ago Reply
  8. Happy reading your blog after some time 🙂 Nice sharing 🙂 many people needs this more than what we think because as you said most of them cover with a mask of pasted smile.

    May all see the ONE WHO was standing next to them for a deep hug to say that “I am with you and will never leave you “.

    God bless you and your family and your loved ones + 🙂

    By Matt Pratt | 2 years ago Reply
  9. I’m taking baby steps. Thank you for the inspiration. I will have to take your advise. Just when I was not sure how to proceed and worried about doing it; here it is. Praise God!

    By Simone M Jones | 2 years ago Reply
  10. I am happy to read your blogs, sometimes when I comment to my friends about chastity and no one of them think the same, I feel lonley in this way, but I am sure it isn’t

    By Kevin Sambula | 2 years ago Reply
  11. Thank-you for your courage, Crystalina! You have helped to renew my hope, 3-5 years after the breakup of my marriage. I worsened my own situation with so many poor coping strategies, but did also grow in my faith with the help of prayer, adoration, confession, and counselling. I especially appreciated what you said about being a loveable mess! Please pray for me and for my young daughter, also having a broken home! God bless you so much, and thank-you for your sincerity.

    By Tanya | 2 years ago Reply
  12. This was absolutely perfect. Thank you so much. I needed this. You’re a blessing to this world, Crystalina! You inspire me (and countless others!) so often.

    By Samantha | 2 years ago Reply
  13. This has helped me tons. I just went to confession with the intention of never offending Jesus again (it was rushed), but I am still struggling with the past demons tantalizing me. I’m scared to go to counseling because I’m afraid my parents would be disgusted with me, but I’m going to try and start going to adoration. I don’t have any close friends that could stand by me and my older sister is consumed in her college preparations, so I confide in my mother. She knows I had a rough time when I was younger, but I don’t think she knows what I have done to myself through the following years. I have grown closer to her, but I haven’t told her my deepest regrets yet. Again, thank you so much for posting this.

    By Mari | 2 years ago Reply
  14. The above article is very good in reading and thank you to the owner of this website admin.

    By Hashmi Dawakhana | 2 years ago Reply
  15. tnk you so much father nice message and it helps me to meditate

    By cynthia | 2 years ago Reply
  16. Thank you so much Chrystalina for sharing your expieriences with other persons you are helping me knowing that Im not alone and that other womens go though the same things

    By Paulina | 2 years ago Reply
  17. I can relate to this post 100%. My past is very similiar to yours Crystallina. Thank you for writing this. its much needed.

    By Janique M | 2 years ago Reply
  18. Thank you Crystalina and all the Chastity Project staff. About year ago I found on YouTube a conference Jason and you gave before you got married. It changed my life. I had never heard someone talking like that about how far is too far, i would had never imagine the many ways you can begin using a person. Somehow you gave me the strength to face my (ex) boyfriend. He couldn’t understand what this purity thing was so we broke up and wow! I felt like a new woman haha Now I’m trying to make a small group with my friends here in my “parroquia” to talk to teenagers about purity and to invite them to make a purity commitment. Thank you! Blessings from Mexico City!

    By Ana | 2 years ago Reply
  19. I love what you wrote here; It is inspiring to myself, and I know to many others as well! I’ve been to Steubenville multiple times, and I’ve watched all of your talks on YouTube, and there’s one where you talk about something very personal, and something very relatable to myself at the moment. I would love to be able to get your advice on it. Is there a way that your followers are able to DM you? If so, I’d greatly appreciate it! God Bless!

    By Liv | 2 years ago Reply
  20. Thank you Crystalina, for everything that you are doing. Listening to yours and Jason’s talks have really helped me. I was physically, sexually, verbally and emotionally abuse for over 12 years as a child. The abuse was from my father, grandfather, uncles and brother. One day I finally found the courage to tell someone and put a stop to the abuse. The authorities chose to only prosecute my father and he will be spending most of the rest of his natural life in prison. When I brought to light what was happening, my family disowned me – legally disowned me. From the time I was fifteen years old to the day that I left for college, I lived in foster homes. I never really received counseling for what I had been through. I was told to just put the past away and go forward. I had some minimally counseling, but the abuse was never really address. As, I continued to in my life, I had major trust issues and found it hard to make friends. It even got to the point that in college that I tried to take my own life and was hospitalized for a few months. When I was released, some of my Catholic friends told me that I had sinned and that what had happened to me in the past was a sin. I was made to believe that what happened to my was my fault and was punishment from God. I was even refused the Sacrament of Reconciliation by not one, but three different priest, because I had/have no intention of re-establishing contact with my parents. It was to the point, that I was so angry, that I walked away from the Catholic Church about four years ago. By God’s grace, I was sent a link to one of your husband’s talks. I have watched, read everything that I could get my hands on that you guys have put out. Between the talks that you guys have done and some of the others, like Father Mike Schmitz, Christopher West and Chris Stefanick. I have gotten answers to questions that have been in my heart for years. Also by God’s grace and mercy, I returned to the Catholic Church this fall. I know that I still have a lot of healing to do, but I am on the right path and I wanted to thank you for what you are doing. Know that I will keep you, Jason and your family in my prayers and I ask that you please keep me in yours.

    By Hope K | 2 years ago Reply
    • Hope, thank you for sharing your story. You are a precious, beloved daughter of God. Prayers as you continue your journey of healing in Jesus.

      By James Mauer | 2 years ago Reply
    • Dear Hope, you are brave and precious. God is by your side. Nobody can judge you. Stand strong, everything will be alright. It is the struggle that counts.
      Blessings!

      By Marija | 2 years ago Reply
  21. Beautiful, beautiful words of wisdom. Thank you, Crystalina and Jason, for your ministry and your courage.

    By James Mauer | 2 years ago Reply
  22. I do so long to be worthy of a great marriage and husband. I love God and family. I can’t thank you enough for your testimony and Chastity project. I needed you and this message. The education is invaluable. God bless you!

    By Laura | 2 years ago Reply
  23. Thank you so much to both of you for the work that you do. I greatly appreciate this effort on your part.

    By Janice Camire | 2 years ago Reply
  24. Crystalina, thank you for being sincere so some of us who have been in similar situations can find some comfort and understanding. I am also glad that you gave us some practical advices, including going to therapy if necessary. In the times of despair I also try to run to God and not run away from problems through listening to some music where you get the sense that you dont have those problems… I hope I will find a good friend in this struggle. It is good to see that you made it to have a good family of your own and helping others in something so important like chastity from your own experience. My chastity has been used and abused by others and myself. It is okay to hurt and to heal, it is not okay to hide the problems.
    God bless you and your dear family!

    By Marija | 2 years ago Reply
  25. Crystalina, thank you for sharing this. I really needed the reminder right now that I could heal even though I feel like such a mess. I could really use your prayers and encouragement, I have suffered from emotional and psychological abuse from my dad and several other family members for about nine years and have also been very negatively affected by a previous relationship and by my dad’s porn addiction and have been struggling with feeling very depressed, worthless and unlovable and am in the middle of my parents divorce. I need help. I don’t love myself and I am getting to a point of feeling desperate. I can’t thank you and the other Chastity speakers enough for what you are doing! You guys have been an amazing influence to me! I would really appreciate your prayers and would be glad to hear back from you. Thank you!

    By AR | 2 years ago Reply

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